I need a scriptwriter
Characters in movies and on TV have it made. They get to be interesting, witty, dramatic, wise, and compelling all the time. (Unless, of course, they are in a Seth Rogen movie, or they star in a sitcom with Ashton Kutcher). Every word these characters utter has meaning and is laced with importance and meaning. Whereas when I speak it sounds like I was raised by animals in the Appalachian Mountains.
When having a conversation with me this is what it usually looks like:
Person: Hey John, how are you?
John: Me good. There be wind-ness outside on this today. Is there not?
Person: Uh, yes. It is very windy isn't it. That is Wyoming for ya!
John: Wind make me angry!
Person: Oh -
John: ANGRY!!!!
Person: ....
John: I see cloud yesterday that look like my best friend Mr. Badger. See it, as well?
Person: I'm sorry. I don't think I know a Mr. Badger.
John: He furry and bitey. Very very bitey. He bite John.
Person: Oh my...um...I forgot I had to get to the store to get-
John: In face!!!
Person: Take it easy...
John: Face itch now. Face itch.
Person: Dear God...goodbye!
John: Me itch!!!!
This is a very typical interaction with me. I am horrible at holding a conversation with other humans. I just can't do it. When confronted with having to speak to someone I lose my social filter as well as the use of proper english. I just let the neurotic monkey in my brain start chattering away.
What I need is a script writer like all my favorite fictional characters have. With a pro crafting my dialog I would be much more respected by my peers. With somebody penning my words here is what it couLD look like:
Person: Hi John, how are you?
John: Well hello there my good friend. I am very well at this moment. However, I must testify that this wicked wind is eroding my good will!
Person: Wow. How well said! It is very windy outside, isn't it?
John: It is as if the good Lord is punishing us with this tempest. Though, at least I should add that at least this howling wind proves that God does in fact still care about us enough to give us this penance. I pray that I never lose the hope that once the eye of the storm is upon us I will revel in the peace and calm that lies within.
Person: John, what you have just said is the most eloquent thing I have ever heard. You are apparently very smart, and might I add that you extremely healthy and macho. May I offer you whatever money I have in my wallet?
I will never be able to speak like that because my brain is too dusty and it gets too jumbled when I start talking to people. I have not used my organic computer enough these days. I am becoming mentally mushy. This is a situation that I am working on.
I started taking Ginseng recently to try and combat my cognitive sloth. This is a dietary supplement that is alleged to help with mental clarity. Although, after a week of steady use I have to admit that I am becoming very skeptical of it's claims. So far the only thing that Ginseng has helped me with is inducing dreams of spiders, talking motorcycles, and a reoccurring vision of what I would look like with a nipple on my forehead. (dream analysts get cracking on that!)
As I am becoming more and more socially incompetent over time I am finding myself enjoying the process of writing more and more. At least here on the page I have complete control over what I may end up saying....most of the time.
Me itch!!
You have dreams of having a nipple on your forehead too??
Lol. I have read all of your things since your days on My SPAce. I love it. This one sounded like me.
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