2012 Resolutions - The Year Of The Pompadour
For those of you who have been reading my blog entries in order to fulfill your court-ordered community service, you may remember from past blogs that I am not a big fan of making New Years Resolutions. I have blogged (like in this example: The New New Year) before about my aversion to take part in the practice of making a beginning of the year pledge to better myself. Making a New Years resolution is something that is typically as appealing to me as being forced to sit down and read a script from Glee. (NOTE FOR GLEE WRITERS: Old episodes of "Leave it to Beaver" have more realistic dialog than the people in your Glee-niverse have. Please either quit having musical numbers that I want to hear so I can quit watching or actually go to a high school and listen to how young people talk.)
I don't want to bore you again with the detailed reasons why I have been so against making resolutions every year. Here is the synopsis:
Making a New Years Resolution is completely counter to the whole goalless way of living I have carved out for myself. I don't like making expectations for myself or for anything for that matter. At first glance that sounds like a very zen-like way of living but truth be told my lack of setting up expectations has much more to do with apathy and fear than it does Budda.
I don't want to set resolutions/goals because I don't want to fail at them. To me, failing at something is a far worse of a crime than inactivity. You have heard the old adage "If first you don't succeed try, try again." Well, that phrase is not for me. My motto is "If first you don't succeed than drink some scotch and go to sleep in the broth of your own failure". I would agree that my saying is not as catchy.
I am not alone in staying away from making resolutions. A lot of other people don't do it either. Some people don't make resolutions because they believe they are already doing great and they don't really need to make any changes. Rest assured that is not my motivation. I have the self-awareness to realize that I am a hot 37-year old mess. I should have been making resolutions years ago. It has been estimated that I am 130,000 resolutions away from becoming considered a well adjusted adult.
Other folks don't make resolutions because they feel they are victimized by the world. That the cards are so stacked against them that no matter what changes they were to make it would not matter. That is not me either. The universe has not conspired against me. I do not believe that any of my issues that need to be resolved are the result of anyone else but myself. I have made my own bed. All of my problems are self-inflicted. I am both the supplier and consumer of my own troubles. The only thing I am a victim of is the fact that I was born in the same time as Ryan Gosling who stole some of my Hollywood magic and sex appeal.
In the years gone by as the ball drops in Time Square and as Kathy Griffith sexually harasses Anderson Cooper on CNN I have joined the ranks of the few that refuse to make a resolution of any kind. I hate making promises to myself that I know I won't keep.
The question begs to be asked. "Why won't I keep them?" The answer is simple:
Fear. It is all about the fear.
I am afraid to make changes because I may fail and go back to who I was. It is easier to stay who I am without yo-yo'ing back and forth.
I am afraid to take chances. Afraid to reform opinions. Afraid to meet new people. Afraid to take on new challenges. Afraid to set professional goals. Afraid of it all...because failure is not something I handle very well. I am a poor sport.
However, as I begin to gray and wrinkle I am becoming increasingly tired of my fear. WIth that in mind I am going to break my rule of not making resolutions. This year I resolve to be less afraid. I resolve to quit letting my fear of failure make choices for me. I resolve to allow myself to fail so miserably and gloriously that it will cause women to shriek and children to pass out. I resolve to put myself in positions of such great risk of failure that I could possible end up as a You-Tube punch line.
2012 is the year where I will try to manage my fear. If I am able to corral some of my own debilitating neuroses I believe that I will be able to actually meet some goals (Yikes!!) I am going to set got myself. If I can get over myself a little bit here is a list of goals I would like to accomplish in the upcoming year:
#1 Smile More - Quit being a grump-assed grump grump. Risk smiling at people. They may need it. Who knows...maybe they will smile back.
#2 Run The Bolder Boulder - J-ROE vs. a 10 K. That has comedy written all over it.
#3 Grow an awesome pompador - Don't worry about looking like a Bollywood actor and grow it tall and proud. Who knows maybe I will be able to finally be tall enough to get on a roller coaster.
#4 To go to more concerts - I love to go to concerts and it has been a practice that I have let slip over the years. They are therapeutic for me. I need more therapy.
#5 Be less of a "I told you so parent" - I am asking my kids to take me way too seriously. They need guidance, they don't need my power trips.
#6 To write something daily - My three blog readers are going to be so lucky!!!
#7 Read everything that David Sedaris has ever written - I stopped because he breaks my heart because he is so much better than me. He is brilliant and it makes me feel like I am writing on a bathroom wall. I am going to get over my jealousy and surround myself with his books.
#8 Quit apologizing for who I am - You don't like me? Or you think I am a nutjob. That is fine. Just quit expecting me to say how sorry I am for annoying you....to your face. I probably will still apologize to you in my mind. Baby steps. Johnny needs to quit trying to make everyone like him. Johnny also needs to stop talking about himself in the third person.
#9 Return to Stand Up Comedy- Here is the big one. I tried Stand Up years ago and I failed so miserably that it sent me into a decade long funk of punishment and sleeplessness. It is a memory that haunts me like a McRib. I have to face that dragon again so I can get over how badly I sucked at Stand Up Comedy back in 1995. Lets face it. I am a man of limited ability. The skills I have (albeit average) are talking in front of people and making fun of myself. I am sure I have the ability to have an average routine that makes people soggy with booze chuckle. I must redeem myself.
#10 Wear more plaid - Yep. Get ready.
#11 Become a grill master - Low and slow. Must remember low and slow.
#12 Visit the ocean - I always miss the ocean when I am away from it. I have to push myself to allow my family to travel more.
#13 Write a short story that earns me at least $15.00 - If that is too much to ask for I would take at least a letter of rejection that at least does not make me feel like drinking Windex. If that is too much to ask for I would at least want the letter to make me feel like I drank the ammonia-free Windex.
#14 Make my wife laugh at least once a day - It is the least I can do for what she has to deal with. I would be willing to do just about anything to induce laughter. However, chest-waxing is off limits. If writing or comedy does not pan out for me the only other option I have at income is in my ample amounts of grizzly chest fur.
#15 To allow myself to take on new opportunities - I often pass up on chances to do something pretty cool because I don't trust myself to be able to do it. Who knows? Maybe these are things that I really can't do. At least I should try...and if I fail it will make for a good blog entry.
These are just a few of the things that I can accomplish in 2012 if I just resolve to be a little less fearful that I usually am. Notice how I did not say anything about snakes, clowns, wasps, or falling space debris. Those are fears that are healthy and I will never try to overcome.
Happy New Year people. A year from now I will check in with you to let you know how I did. I have a feeling that maybe I will be making a resolution to never make a resolution again. That may just be the fear talking though....
I would love to see you do stand up! I think it would be great...and if you blew it you would have a lot of great writing material.
Good luck this year and I can't wait to read more of your stuff. I have a little nephew with autism and your blog has helped me out a bunch!
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JOHN ROEDEL- This will be my TWENTIETH Bolder Boulder and quite possibly the FIRST one I will run. You should train with me, since I'm really slow and I have impossibly short legs. I think we'd make a good match.
And I'm excited that you're going to write more.
P.S. Now that Kim Jong Il has passed, I think his pompadour is available.
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