Guess I'm Doing Fine
After six hard weeks of battling for her life my dear mother passed away on November 23rd with her family by her side. I have been absent from doing any writing (or anything else really) over the past month and a half as I spent most of my waking hours with my mom as she made her peace with our world and drifted into the loving arms of God. During those six weeks I was able to witness endless moments of struggle, miracles, setbacks, and graces. I saw my mom slowly slip through the veil that separate us from the divine.
The experience of the past six weeks have forever marked me.
She is gone and I suddenly feel as if I am on an alien planet. I now inhabit a world where I no longer have any living parents.I am a 37 year old orphan. It took me about ten minutes to actually type the previous sentence out. Everything feels different.
My family sometime during the ealy 80's.
I am terrified to write anything tonight. I am not exactly sure what will spill out of my head right now. I have been told by a few people that it would be good to blog about how I feel at the moment. The problem is I am not really trusting my feelings these days. My emotions are all over the map.
When people ask me how I am doing I am having a very difficult time playing the social game where I answer that question with the standard "Doing fine, how about you?" script that we have use. These days when a well-intended person asks me "How I'm doing/holding up/getting along/etc I can only answer with:
"Who the hell knows"
I have no idea how I am doing. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am suspended in memories of the past six weeks that keep me lost in my mind for hours at a time. There is a heavy cloud of loss hanging over me. I lost a heavenly body that I became so dependant on to help me navigate my way through this life.
Admittedly these feelings that are rushing over me are extremely selfish. I am being selfish. My mom is in a much better place where her suffering has melted away into eternal peace and rest. I very much believe her to be with her God, her beloved husband, and in the company of all of her old friends that passed on years ago. My mom is at rest..whereas I am left in the murky waters of my own selfish grief.
Grieving is a very tricky thing. It is a process that require us to invite various emotions into our heart at the same time. To grieve means that we have to split ourselves in half. Part of us should be devastated where the other half should be joyful. I am being asked to celebrate my moms life while at the same being allowed to be heartbroken that she is gone. I am haunted by the last six weeks that my mom endured while I am inspired by her own courage and the love of the people who supported our family during this time. I would crazy to not question the plan God had in store for my mom while at the same time find myself grateful for all of the divine graces that surrounded me during her last few days.
I am torn in half between sadness for me and happiness for my mom.
How am I doing?
I guess I'm doing fine.
GUESS I'M DOING FINE
By Beck
There's a blue bird at my window
I can't hear the songs he sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don't look the same to me
I just wade the tides that turned
Till I learn to leave the past behind
It's only lies that I'm living
It's only tears that I'm crying
It's only you that I'm losing
Guess I'm doing fine
All the battlements are empty
And the moon is laying low
Yellow roses in the graveyard
Have no time to watch them grow
Now I bade a friend farewell
I can do whatever pleases me
It's only lies that I'm living
It's only tears that I'm crying
It's only you that I'm losing
Guess I'm doing fine
Press my face up to the window
To see how warm it is inside
See the things that I've been missing
Missing all this time
It's only lies that I'm living
It's only tears that I'm crying
It's only you that I'm losing
Guess I'm doing fine (x2)
John,
I am sorry for your loss. This was a wonderful blog post in memory of your mom. You helped me to remember that our earthly pain of loss is only temporary but the eternal happiness that is Heaven & God is permanent.
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Well said, only someone who has delt with your loss will understand, we can only send our thoughts and prayers and know we are thinking of you and your family and that isn't just written it is true, many hugs!
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