Most of the time when I start a blog entry I only get through a few sentences before I decide to flush down into the cyber-sewer.  It seems like this has been happening a lot for frequently with me whenever I sit down and try to write something.

The problem is I have a jerk of an editor in my head.  He is quick to tell me that my post is either too snarky, too lame, too pollical, too self-grandizing, too bland, too risky, or too suck-tacular to post for other people to read.  I use the "he" in referring to my editor because I envision it as a sour-faced dude wearing a bow tie who likes to shake his head and sigh with disapproval with each snap of the keypad.  He looks like his name should be Preston...so I will call him Preston from now on. 

Here is what I imagine Preston looks like:


Creepy Huh?

Preston is the ultra-lord of all pricks.  If there were a convention of all pricks in the known universe he would give the keynote that would be entitled "How to ruin the lives of anyone and smile doing, while on a budget, for dummies".

I didn't have Preston rolling around in my head when I was younger.  (Holy cow that sentence makes it look like I need to be seeking some professional help.  I don't think there is a problem...but if I am arrested for burning down Cheyenne because "Preston told me to" then maybe direct the investigators to this entry)  I used to be able to sit down and write without constant worry.  I wish I could go back to those days.

The real problem is that I think Preston is expanding his influence over the part of my brain that secretes self-doubt.  I have begun living my life with that blasted editor whispering in my ear every five seconds.  My concern over what other people think about me has reached an all-time high.  It seems like I am fixated on everybody liking me.  I hate doing that.  I wish Preston would choke on some invisible sea bass and leave me the hell alone.   I censure, omit, and obscure parts of who I am from people because I feel like I should be coming in with a high score on he Daily Likeability Index.  (DLI)

The Daily Likeability Index (DLI) is the way how I rate how "liked" (thank you Facebook for making the word "liked part of our vocab) myself, someone else, an object, an idea, etc is by other people.  Everyday the DLI can shift and move based on events in the world...so it is a very fluid thing.  In my head I keep a running tally on The Daily Likeability Index.  Apparently I keep this index right next to Preston's little studio apartment.   Things must be getting crowded in there....

My goal has always been to try an register at around 60 % on the DLI.  This means that 60 % of the people who know me like me, while the other 40 % either dislike me or have no opinion on me.  (If you are on the fence on me I would rather have you hate me then to ignore me.)  Scoring a 60 % would put me just ahead of Judge Judy, but just behind The McRib.  Here is a quick sample of what today's DLI looks like.  These numbers have been crunched by a very reputable accounting firm.  I could tell you the name of the firm, but you would never have heard of them.  So don't ask.  Please.


DAILY LIKEABILITY INDEX (DLI) FOR JULY 12th, 2010

Δ   Denotes a score that has been rising lately

V   Denotes a score that has been sinking lately

100 %   ( Means Everybody (even you) Likes It!)

Tax Refunds 
Rainbows
Betty White  Δ
Putting on socks that just came out of the dryer
Smooth Airplane rides
Getting off with a warning from a police officer
Neil Armstrong
Being Loved


90 %  ( Most Everyone Likes It!  If You Don't, You Are Probably Sick)

Fuzzy Kittens
Rice Krispie Treats
Pixar Movies
Catching Someone Picking their nose
Nelson Mandela
Snow on Christmas Morning
Jimmy Buffet
Getting Flowers
The Queen of England
Habitat for Humanity
The Opening Ceremony of The Olympics Δ
Eating Breakfast for Dinner
Call for, and then riding "Shotgun" on a long car trip
30 + year old people being told they look much younger
Dr. Suess

80 %  (A great deal of people like these things.  Don't argue with them, they are right, and you are wrong)

Jumbotrons
Early Elvis Presley
Issac from The Love Boat
Stop Signs
Fart Jokes
Morgan Freeman
Watching Superbowl Commercials
Sleeping In
The Muppets
Maya Angelou
Ice Cream
Water Parks
Watching High Speed Chases
Pizza
Meryl Streep Δ
Getting a Massage
Chocolate
Sunny Weather
Singing in the shower
Water Parks

70 %  ( Not as many people like this stuff )

Movie Theater Popcorn
Facebook  V
Roller Coasters
Underdogs
Natalie Portman
Salt
Old Spice Commercials  Δ
Owning a puppy
Firemen
Sunrises and Sunsets
Bob Costas
Fletch
Homecooked Meals
Wearing Underwear
Cool Breezes
Movies directed by Martin Scorcazie
The Internet      V  (Prince said the internet is dying...so...it has been downgraded)
Simon Cowell
Procrastinating
Going to Weddings
Steve Carrel
Having Dinner with friends
Monet Paintings
Run DMC
Coke
Ellen Degeneres On Her Own Show
80's Music
Re-runs of Cheers
William Shatner as "Captain Kirk"
The Barenaked Ladies

60 %  ( Uh-Oh.  Only a slight majority of people like these selections.  One slip up and they could go under the 50 % mark)

Chick-Filet  Δ Δ
Riding a bike
The Bible
Checking Email Every Five Minutes
Bubblewrap V
The Scarecrow
Having Brunch
Hugh Grant
Faking Cell Phone Calls To Get Out of Awkward Social Situations
Not Asking For Directions
Oprah  V V
The Lochness Monster  V
Wi-Fi  Δ Δ
Mr. Clean Magic Erasers
Second Guessing Other People's Decisions
David Letterman
The McRib
Episodes of Scooby Doo without Scrappy Doo
Using Crosswalks
Jim Carrey
Price Is Right Models
Stephen King Books
Wearing Contacts
The Music of Madonna
Watching The Homerun Derby in Baseball
Filtered or Bottled Water
Signing the National Anthem During Sporting Events
Kevin Costner
Cameron Diaz
Parades
Chapstick

50 %  ( The Biggest list.  These represent the frontlines to arguments between friends and family)

Starbucks
Seinfeld
Judge Judy
Texting Δ
Pink Floyd
Family Reunions
Actually Watching The Superbowl
Jim Belushi
Lawn Work
Our Significant Others
Tina Fey
Motorcycles
Going Camping
Wearing Seat belts
Love at First Sight
Canada
Taking Baths
Carnival Games
Johnny Cash
Broccoli
Tattoo's Δ
The Thundercats
Cable News  V  V
Laura Bush
Movies based on novels about whiny, lovesick, mopey, self-absorbed vampires, and the mortal depressive women who unashamedly stalk them  Δ  Δ  Δ
Conan O'Brien
Glee
Making Eye Contact
Paula Abdul
Talking During Movies
Sushi
Michael Moore Documentaries
Plaid
The Lilith Fair Δ Δ

40 %  ( These things are only liked by a slight minority.  If you like one of these, you know something the rest of us don't)

Your Local News (Outside of Cheyenne, Wyoming)
Wood Allen Movies
Miley Cyrus V V V
Ramen Noodles 
Shaving
The Tinman
Country Music  Δ
The View
Eminem Δ Δ Δ
Intentionally Slowing Down When Someone Behind Us Is Tailgating us
Skiing
Twitter Δ
Voting
Driving A Stickshift
The Number 7
Zombies  Δ Δ
3D Movies  Δ Δ Δ Δ
Van Halen With David Lee Roth
Yogurt
Ellen Degeneres On American Idol  V V V 
Mixed Martial Arts Δ Δ
Bigfoot
Being Our Own Worst Critic
International Travel
Playing Video Games
Flossing V
Angelina Jolie Adoption Stories V V V V
Thor  Δ Δ
Spiderman  V V


30 %   ( Only 3 of 10 people like these things. I just did that math in my head!) 

MySpace
The Census
Fletch Lives
Actually Watching The Olympics
Pokemon
Rush Limbaugh 
Doing Math In Your Head ( Sweet!)
The Clapper
Showing Up On Time
2012 V V
Reading For Fun  V
The Word "Bling" V V
Skydiving
Michael Moore
The Phrase "Fair and Balanced"  V
Traveling by Train
Coldplay V
Going to Your Prom
Making Yourself Vomit All Over Your Screen Every time Someone Uses "LOL"  Δ Δ
Getting Eight Hours Of Sleep V V V
The Barenaked Ladies Without Stephen Page
Watching Reality TV Δ
Being Told How Amazing Kurt Cobain Was And How If You Don't Agree You Don't Understand Music
Voldermort Δ
Parallel Parking V V
Knock Knock Jokes
TMZ
USC Football
The NRA Δ  ( um..yikes)
Fancy Moustaches Δ (um...woo hoo!)



20 %   (If you like anyone these things it is promised that your friends and neighbors talk about you in a hushed whisper)

Episodes of Scooby Doo With Scrappy Doo in Them
Preventive Medicine
Writing With a Pencil
Celebrity Opinions on Anything  V V V
Dane Cook
Watching Golf
Imitation Cheese
Putting Together Furniture
Kathy Griffith Δ Δ
Movies With Talking Babies
Julie From The Love Boat
Michael Landon Jokes ( I have personally researched this one)
The Feeling You Get An Hour After You Eat At McDonalds
Mel Gibson V V V V
Owning and Caring For A Dog Once it is no Longer a Puppy
Timeless Expressions Like "Even a Busted Watch is Right Twice a Day!" V
The Cowardly Lion
Analog TV     V V V
Helping Someone Move
The Music Of Don Johnson
Praying
Long Division
The Idea That Debbie Gibson and Tiffany Will Star Together In Monster Movie Δ Δ Δ Δ
Lebron James V V V
The Local News In Cheyenne Wyoming!  V V

10 %   ( This is reserved for the radical and crazy members of our society)

Snookie and The Situation From Jersey Shore
Movies With Slyvester Stalone does not kill somebody, blow something up, or train really hard.
Olive Garden V
Beets
Smiling Δ
Lance Armstrong Now That He Is Not Going To Win Another Tour De France V
Lucy From The Peanuts
Watching Re-runs of Webster
Traveling By Burro
Musak
Reading Other People's Blogs
Going to Class Reunions
The French Δ
Watching Baseball
Republicans V
Democrats V
Eating Healthy
Having A Sense Of Humor About Yourself
Elvis Presley - The Later Years
Political Statements on Facebook V V
Rabid Monkey Attacks Δ
Taking Drivers Ed
Paperwork
Blind Dates
Washing the Feet Of The Poor
Checking Voicemail
Lindsay Lohan Fingernail Polish Δ Δ
The Federal Govt.  V V



0 %  ( If nobody in the world likes something does it still exist?)

The Music Of Celine Dion V
Being Eaten By Sharks V
Being Abducted By Aliens Who Are Curious How Our Colon Works V
Watching QVC V
Tap Water In Mexico City 
The Prospect of More SAW Movies V
BP Oil  V V V V V V V V V V V V
Roadkill
People Who Cheat At Senior Citizen Bingo
News Stories About Jordan Vanderslout  ( I don't care enough to even google it to check if I spelled it right!)
Discovering Hubba Bubba Gum Stuck To The Bottom Of Your Shoe
Preston


That is just a sample of the DLI.  I am always worried if I start sinking down below 50 % likeability.  So I make sure I don't make waves, speak up, serve passionately, write anything compelling, or any other activity that can affect my ranking on the DLI.  Which is a pretty sissy way of living.  If there is anything I have learned in my four months of intensive writing classes it is to become more true to my own voice without worrying about what anyone else may think.  I  need to start applying that to my everyday life.

I was once told by someone I greatly respect that if 50 % of the people dislike you it means you are doing something right.  So I need to piss off 10 % more people than I typically do.  While I work on that I would like to ask Preston to please go straight to imaginary person hell.  Which I think may be where Yo Gabba Gabba is filmed.

Goodnight.

Oh, Preston says "Goodnight" too.

Thats not weird.  Right?  Right....