Lord make me more humble.  Please....before I turn into a complete  poop sniffer.



I am sure it is not just me, but every now and then I can find myself being a judgmental worm-licker.  It is not that I mean to be, it's just that I sometimes drink my own Kool-Aid that poisons me with stupidity and arrogance.  Today I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop trying to mind my own business when the winds of self-righteousness blew into the gapping hole between my ears.  I was trying my best to not overhear everyone else's conversations...but everyone was talking so loudly....and what I heard made me irrattionally angry at the human race.

Thank God that my inner Jimmy Cricket does not take much crap from me.  He is able to supply me with a metaphysical crowbar to the he-he--na-na's whenever I start feeling "above" anyone else.  (yes, I know of the absurdity of idea of me feeling "above" anyone else since my chin comes up to people's navel fuzz) 

Here is a collection of the passing thoughts I was having, which is followed by the response of my conscience:

(by the way my conscience spoke to me in a manner that sounded exactly like Joe Pecsi in Goodfella's)




John Asks: Why is it that people think everyone wants to hear them talk about politics all the time?  Good God....don't you get tired of repeating the talking points from last nights MSNBC or Fox News Broadcasts?

Joe Pesci Conscience (JPC) Response: Mind your own business.  Do you think that other people around you like to hear you go on and on about your theory on how you believe that Regis Philbin is not really a human?  The point is just stop listening and let people say what they need to say without having a punk like you eavesdrop.

John Asks: Why is everyone around me seem so negative and unhappy all the time?

JPC Response: Isn't about time for YOU to stop worrying about the shit you can't control?  How many hours a week to you waste trying to solve things outside your realm of control.  So stressing over that stuff you filthy chump, and maybe just maybe you will be able to crack a sincere smile every now and again.

John Asks:  Why is it important to "be right" all of the time?

JPC Response:  Are you kidding me?  You will argue anything (even if it is ultra-crazy...like the time you spent trying to convince people that you could withstand a shark attack with only a pair of flippers and a jar of gravy) for hours.  You need to remember that just because you say the last word does not mean you were "right".  And by the way you are usually wrong.  And also, please don't try and fight a shark.  You will lose.   Sharks have teeth that can slice through bone...and while your high pitched shrieking might attract some dolphins I doubt they would intervene when they catch sight of you speedo you would probably be wearing.

John Asks:  Why do the contestants on American Idol seem so lame this year?

JPC Response:  You should watch less Television. 

John Asks: Why is it that some people cannot get over things that happened to them years ago?  People should be more forgiving.

JPC Response:  Holy crud you are an idiot.  You are the one that needs to let go of all the unresolved resentments and crap that pile up in you.  I have a news flash your inability to forgive does not mean you are holding to your principles...it makes you a prick!

John Asks: Why is it that a lot of people can't love their fellow man as much as they claim they love their God?

JPC Response: Why don't you try being more compassionate yourself...maybe that will show em'.  Sheesh.

John Asks: Why is it a generation of children are being diagnosed with autism and the only time we hear about it is in April or when Larry King books Jenny McCarthy as a guest?

JPC Response:  Why don't you try being a better advocate yourself...maybe that will show em'.  Sheesh.

John Asks:  Doesn't it seem like people are less responsible these days?

JPC Response:  The fact that you ask this question makes me want too vomit up a bucket of liquid outrage.  Do you know where you wallet is right now? Or can you tell me how many times just this week you have frantically searched for your keys?  Can you tell me how to operate the washing machine?  Um...how many cell phones have you broken this year?  The point is you of all people should never question how responsible people are.  It would be like a vampire giving someone advice on solar panel repair.  Dude.....

John Asks: How come I am the best looking guy in the room right now?  I mean, I am more ripped than a denied credit card.  I am like 50 % Aquaman and 50% 1993 Christian Slater.

JPC  Response: Uh huh.  When was the last time you could see your own feet? 

John Asks:  Everyone is complaining about something today!  Why is it people are not grateful for anything they have?

JPC Response: Good question Hoss.  When was the last time you thanked your lungs for working perfectly or you thanked the person who restocked the Lucky Charms at the store?  You just expect those things to happen without any thought.  You never give pause and appreciate the countless tiny miracles that slip past you everyday.

JPC Final Statement:  The truth is John, the moment you stop complaining about other people is the moment you can learn how to love them.  You give yourself a chance to be human and have weakness and shortcomings.  (by the way you must be extra-human because you have a lot of weaknesses and shortcomings)  Just give everyone the same chance to be human as you give yourself.


John Final Statement:  I think you gave good advice Joe Pesci Conscience.  Thank you.  I needed that dose of humility.

JPC:  You are welcome.

John:  I wonder why people never pickup after themselves.  I hate that.

JPC:  You're a mindless nimrod. Sigh....