John Roedel: Master of The Universe. Part 2 of 2.
After reading through the part one of this blog entry I think I may have misrepresented myself a little bitty. I feel that it is important that I set the record straight and help rebuild my image after I may have presented myself in a poor light. In order to do that I have prepared a brief statement:
Hello friends/blog readers/IRS audit agents/potential employers/family members who no longer look me in the eye,
In my previous blog entry I believe that I may have mistakenly implied that any potential job interview with me would be infused with enough mega-weirdness that would even leave Paul Ruebens uncomfortably in his velvet chair. I apologize if that is how you interpreted my perspective in that manner. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you and I are destined to sit down together to discuss my potential service to you and your company I can promise you that it would feel like you are having a meaningful heart to heart with your very attractive best friend. Any job interview with me would be a life changing experience for you and your family! Please disregard any of the phrases that I said would be part of our vocational discussion. They are not representative of the delicate words I would craft just for you during our especially special time together. In fact here are the words that I imagine would spill from your mouth during the wanning moments of your interview with me:
"Can you believe how well this interview is going?"
"My Goodness! Your hands are very strong."
"I have never interviewed someone who is so much smarter than me."
"You and I are like a couple of Old Navy Buddies talking about years gone by. Lets cuss and drink scotch a bunch before I hire you!"
"Can you please show me your birthmark that looks like a terrible tattoo of Tony Danza again?"
"Thanks for the advice on how to save my marriage!"
"Holy Cow. I think we are going to have to give you twice the salary we advertised for. You are too powerful not to overpay.
"You are so amazing that I bet within twenty minutes of your time here you will make my job obsolete! Wow!"
"I want you to meet my children. You can then pick any of them to call your own."
"I love you. I mean I really, really, really, really, really, really love you. Really. Love. You."
"This must be what it is like when Bruce Lee interviewed for the title of "Global Bad-Ass".
"Mr. Roedel, please help me to shave your initials into my Yeti-ish back hair"
"This is the most emotional day of my life. Discovering your talent and then having the chance to hire you is like finding a lost unicorn, training it to dance, and then giving it to my clapping daughter at her four year old birthday party...John Roedel you are my dancing unicorn..."
"I will never let you go. I mean that. Get used to me hugging you. All the time."
As you can see I would make an
Thanks, and I look forward to you tanning in my incredible rays of giftedness and radiant superness during my upcoming job interview with you.
John K. Roedel (the K stands for Sexy!)
Whew! I feel much better now that is out of the way!
I am a little frustrated that I have not heard back from The Universe in regards to me taking over. I am sure that they will get in touch with me soon...but really I feel like a man of my qualifications and developed chin fat should not have to wait so patiently. Seriously if a little white plastic stick only needs 60 seconds to tell me the news of impending parenthood how can it take so long for me to hear that I am being considered for chief dog? So, while I wait I am forced to spend my time just spinning my wheels...doing nothing but drinking Starbucks, playing Xbox, and staring at myself in the mirror long enough to where I start to look like Star Jones. During this time of job-limbo I have been spending some moments of my day trying to think about all the things I will do when I become in charge of the Universe.
In part one of this blog entry I listed all the things that I would do away with. I left off with my pledge to get rid of all Playgrounds. I think that perhaps I was overstating it a little. I don't think we need to get rid of every single playground...just the school playgrounds. Those places I would burn to the ground with my Master Of The Universe Laser Eye Vision. (MOTULEV for short)
Take that School Playground! John Roedel's all powerful eyeball lasers got you! Face!
School Playgrounds give me emotional heartburn. I hate them. Not because I had some terrible experience when I was a young Tom Selleck Crushin' lad. I had a great time on my school's playground...but most of that was at the expense of other kids.
You see when I was a little kid I was a major punk. My behavior back then could only be labeled as "Ass monkey-ish". I was your typical jerkfaced child who used to use verbally crowbar various other poop children in order to get a laugh out of the mob of children that used to gather to watch my sideshow act. Here is a shocker: I was a lot smaller than the rest of the kiddos in my class so I had to find a way to keep out of the bullseye of the surprisingly edgy Catholic School bullies. If it had not been for my semi-quick wit and ability to make a joke out of thin air I would have been an easy target for the scum of the Playground. The best method of keeping my tushy wedgie free was to make the bullies laugh. And make them laugh I did....however that usually came at the expense of the other kids who were easy targets.
Instead of bonding with my fellow potential victims to rise up against the machinery of overly hormoned and mustache farming grade school bullies I decided to betray my own kind and send them to the emotional woodshed in order to save my own social status. In my playground you were either the picker or the picked on and I did not have the courage to ever be the latter of the two.
I was cruel.
I was mean.
I made fun of my fellow students for any weakness I could find.
I would do anything to keep the spotlight off of me.
Anyone but me....anyone but me. It was jungle law....
I was worse than the bullies I served. I did not punish people because I felt like I was honoring some bully code that was directing me to maintain the social hierarchy that is established. I emotionally bullied because I was a coward. Because I was afraid of being the one who was in the center of the circle of laughing children who were laughing at me for all the wrong reasons.
In order to stay on the right side of the laughter I would search for any reason to bring someone down.
If you had a bad hair day you can be assured of a newly penned song that I would write and then teach a dozen other children that would detail your unkempt mullet. This would keep people from noticing the fact that I had freakishly long and pointy sideburns that could be substituted as a jump rope.
God forbid if I ever noticed you wearing the same shirt twice in one week....I had the terrible ability to make your life hell just for that offense.
I could find comedy gold in anything you did that made you appear weak. Your weakness was the only camouflage I needed for my own.
I have no idea how many hearts I broke on that damned playground...or in the halls....or at the desks....
I know that it was too many.
I have no idea how many of my peers I sent home from school wondering what they did that was so wrong.....
I know that it was way too many.
I have no idea how many chances I missed to just do the simple thing of treating my fellow students like a human...
Countless....I am certain there were countless chances.
It was not until later in my life that I realized that I used my humor as a club rather than a violin. I beat the holy hell out of people to save my skin. What a creep I was. There is not a day that passes where I don't regret how petty I was back then.
Yes, I know that a lot of children are like that. It is said we don't know better. That in a lot of ways school is just a matter of survival as it is about education. I am sure that I am not the only skuz-bucket who was merciless to any other child who appeared different. I am sure that today that practice continues between the chain link fences of Schoolyard Playgrounds everywhere. The seemingly strong prey upon the seemingly weak is a dance that still cha-cha's on...
That is what scares me my atoms.
As a daddy to a child living with autism I fret about what goes on at my little guy's playground. I know how I was as a child....and I know that someone like my child would have been a very easy target for me. What would I have done? Would I have been kind? Would I have looked passed his differences? Would I have reached out my hand to him or would I use him as a sacrificial lamb? I am ashamed to admit that I am pretty sure I know what my answer is....and it makes me deeply sad. I don't really believe in Karma. I don't believe in "what goes around comes around". I don't believe in a scale balancing "reap what you sow" God who is bent on us getting our due on way or another. But...
But I don't want my angel to pay for the terrible things I did when I was his age. The irony of a guy like me raising a child with special needs is something that I recognize. I detail that here: Let Me Be The Moron
My sweet Noah has kicked the face in of every nasty challenge he has faced. His prognosis years ago was very dire and with the help of some amazing people, some amazing techniques, some amazing coincidences, and his amazing spirit we are witnessing a miracle. His story is a miracle in my life. Mr. Noah has jumped over more hurdles in his nine years than I have done in my thirty-six. His autism does not define him...but in a lot of ways it defines me.
For all his incredible successes he is now staring face to face with what I find to be his scariest struggle...the social.
In the next few years the social games will start to get more and more intense. He is always going to be a little quirky, and unique (which is wonderful in a lot of ways....I wish I was more unique and not just a cliché') which is going to make him a large target for some kid who is like I was. My greatest fear was always that he would be the never ending victim of some "me-like" shitbag who is scared for their own skin.
Lately though, I have to admit that I am starting to understand that there is something far worse than being the one who is picked on.
Being forgotten all together is much much worse....
It does not escape my wife and I that he is not invited to birthday parties, or to sleepovers. While, we know that he is well-liked by his classmates I have a pretty good grasp of the fact that they keep him at arms length because he is a little different. As the years progress and the social demands increase I wonder where he will end up. I know that the social games will be as confusing to him as algebra was to me. It will seem alien to him....and he is going to have to plod his way into that great beyond. Of all the things that Autism is guilty of I think for me the worst thing it does is makes it very difficult for a person in the spectrum to connect with their fellow human.
When I speak to large groups of young people I ask them to be better than I was. I ask to realize the impact that their words have on others. I beg them to get over the social games and to instead open up their hearts to everyone. I do this in hopes that I can pay off the debt I have made on my soul.
I am desperate for my son's Playground experience to be different than mine was....so until I can be assured that it won't be I will, as Master of The Universe be melting every single one!
Goodbye germy slide hand-rails.
Adios groin damaging Teeter-totters!
Beat it swings of sure death!
Don't let the door hit your booty bubble on the way out Monkey Bars!
Hell...who am I kidding. Of course getting rid of playgrounds is not going to stop the chance that my son and other children like him will be fed to the social alligators. This is all about needing to be in control. I have to let go. To let him be hurt. To let him face dimwits like I was. Just because I was a yellow-belly back then does not mean he is. He is the definition of courage. He is joy incarnate. He is a force to be reckoned with. I need to let go of my overly protective shadow that I cast over him. Noah, like my other children will be the best version of me that the Earth will ever see.
How other people treat my children is beyond my control. I cannot control how other's will perceive and react to any of my little guys. The only thing I can control is what I teach them and how I hug them before releasing them into the wild. Perhaps that is why I applied for the job of Boss of The Universe. I want to control things too much....it is time for me to give that up. I don't want the job anymore. Maybe Jimmy John's is hiring?
I could make a heck of a hoagie...hells yeah I could.
We love your work here! And we cannot wait until you speak for us this summer. The conference is going to be great and you are going to be amazing!
Reply to this