I turned in an application to become CEO of The Universe.  I have not heard back from them yet.  While I am not getting my hopes too high, I feel like I am a good candidate for at least getting an interview.  The interview is where I shine like a crazy diamond.  I can make up for all of my resume weaknesses when I get in the same room with whomever is grilling me.  Not that I look much better in person than I do on paper...it's just that I can at least show off my underrated ability to end everyone of my answers with gems like:

"I probably should not have told you about that..."

"At the end of the day they could not really prove anything in court"

"I usually don't sweat this much"

"The good news is that the voices have not judged you as 'burnable'.  Yet...."

"And that is why I don't believe we ever actually landed on the moon"

"It was not until that day did I know what the term 'trans gendered" meant!"

"I hope you are not recording this..."

"I believe that you and I are like soul mates or something"

"No...I usually don't swear during interviews.  I just really really don't like wearing socks"

"Define felony for me?"

"So, while I may lack experience but what I do have is the ability to grow a uni-brow"

"Shut up for a sec.  Is this place haunted?  I feel a presence.  Did you recently or not so recently lose someone close to you who has the letter 'E' somewhere in their name?

"Can we start over?"


Since I have not heard back from The Universe about my application to manage it I am being forced to perhaps look elsewhere.  In the meantime I am left to wonder what amazing things I would do if I actually became the boss of everything.  I would not make any radical changes really.  It is not like I would create a new kind of animal or anything.  I think most of my time would be spent keeping Regis Philbin alive and making sure that whomever was responsible for helping form the band "Chumawumba" was punished by having to actually listen to them.

As chief of all stuff I would spend my days actually getting rid of things.  Here is a quick list of just a few things I would get rid of:




* Balloons.

 
No!  Not those kind of Balloons...although these kind would probably be a good idea to do away with.  The Colorado Prison system can only handle so many nutjobs.  I am talking about your typical balloon that every child longs to have at their birthday party!

Balloons are nothing more than "Instant Child Heartbreak on a String".  A relationship with a stupid balloon never ever never ends well.  It is like buying a puppy for a kid that you know is going to be dead within a day.    Usually the inflated creep breaks free into the lower atmosphere on the way to the car leaving your sobbing child reaching out to it's new best friend that melts into the horizon.  If by some rare chance the floating demon makes it home you can rest assured that it either:  A) Get lodged somewhere on your ceiling that nobody can get to without the use of the ladder that is buried in your garage.  Cause a full on riot between your other children who want to "adopt" the new balloon from their sibling.  C) It will scare the beejeebies out of you in the middle of the night when you see  the hovering shadow it out of the corner of your eye and mistake it for a home invasion thus causing you to let out such a high pitched scream that your wife will cease to believe that your were actually born a man.


*Legos.  If you have ever stepped barefoot onto a Lego in the middle of the night while fleeing a menacing balloon shadow knows the kind of pain that involves.  I have it on good authority that the people who produce Lego's to the public intentionally make them their size so that they can embed themselves into the soft part of the foot with ease.  For me, they might as well just box up some barbed wire and send that out to the kids to play with. 


My foot just started bleeding when I looked at this picture.  Lego-foot pain has been known to cause Jedi's to cry.



*Any bug that stings, bites, or crawls into my nose in order to lay a colony of eggs somewhere in my sinus.  Yes, I know that removing one of these lower species from our eco-system might end up screwing everything up.  However, as CEO of All I would look to replace these bottom feeders with other kinds of lower life forms....like the guy who started TMZ.
                                                                                         
One of these is a creepy crawly bug who slithers in the dirt and the other is Harvey Levin, founder of TMZ.  Can you tell which is which?


* The Phrase "Hells Yeah". Just typing it makes me angry.  Hold on while I kick my dog.  I hate that phrase more than Lady Gaga must hate Old Navy.  I heard a 40-something year old dude in a suit say "Hells Yeah" to the barista today in response to her asking if he wanted room for cream in his coffee.  I immediately felt the urge to pour boiling water into my ears.  I would rather hear the sound of my eardrums being poached than to hear HY.  If I ever catch you saying "Hells Yeah" in front of me than you will become my enemy.  In my mind you and I will fight, and I will win with a series of not-so-manly-yet-surprisingly-brutal-sissy-slaps.  I don't care if you are my elderly mother, a charismatic blind banjo player named "Sweet Fingers Earl", or a girl scout who is offering me a tub of free Thin Mints!  If you say it than will bring down the famous "Holy Wrath Of Roedel" down upon you.  It will be such a display of passive aggressive behavior that you will need to check to make sure you weren't guest staring on The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  If I become the Universe Manager you need to know that I will condemn you to an eternity of walking through Cheyenne's K-Mart if I catch you saying it.  Hells Yeah I will.


Oh...shut up Pink Whale!



*Grape Nuts.  What the hell is a Grape Nut??  Why would I want to eat something called a Grape Nut??  To be honest I ate a handful of these little critters a few years back and I did not taste grape anywhere.  You cannot call something "grape" if it does not contain any grape flavoring...right?  I would change the name of them to "Tasteless Crunchy Nuts That Are Somehow Lacking Of Anything Substantive".  Which by way used to be my nickname in High School....




Um....shouldn't you be turning the milk purple or something?  "There is as much Grape to you as Gravey."  -Scrooge.  (I think)



*John Edwards. ...You Farging Bastage!  I don't really want to pile on this dude...but...really?  Really??  You did that...really???  Mr. Edwards you realize that you are not a lead character on an MTV reality show, right?  Do Johnny a skin and stay away from the media for a while.  I can't hear about it anymore.  Don't go on Oprah.  Don't explain your side of the story on Larry King.  Don't sell a book.  Just be a human being for a while.  You always spoke about "Two America's" when you were running for Prezzie,  which I kind of found interesting.  I realize now that you were talking about the difference between the one America that is typical and the other one where it is ok to cheat on your cancer stricken wife, get your mistress preggers, and then get a staffer to claim paternity of your new child.  I am not one to judge but wow...you sir, are a serious creep-o.  The only redeemable characteristic for you right now is your shiny bullet-proof hair that is seemingly a creation of Disney Engineering.  Aside from that you are the kind of guy who needs to be kicked right in your Grape Nuts. 



"Hellllloooo.  I am John Edward's amazing hair.  I don't care if you love me or if you fear me...but YOU WILL RESPECT ME!"






*Playgrounds.  Which I think is the one thing as Master of The Universe (minus the metal thong and power of Greyskull) I would want to get rid of. 



My heart has been stuck on playgrounds lately.  As the daddy of a child living with Autism I am haunted by playgrounds....but perhaps I will save my thoughts on that for part 2 tomorrow....

Until then I better go and check my voicemail to see if I got asked to come in for my interview yet....