My character has understandably come into question.  I made a pledge and I have broken it.  I broke it good....

Last July I made a promise that I would get a tattoo by October 15th.  I made that announcement boldly without a doubt that I would fulfill the task.  I decided to get the tat for several reasons...that have absolutely nothing to do with me having a mid-life crisis...

Well, October came and went and much to nobody's surprise I did not get the ink.  This of course was predicted by all my friends who did not believe me when I proclaimed my desire to get it done.  Apparently they know more about me than I do, which kind of makes me sad.  While my tattoo dream is not over I am starting to lose hope that I have what it takes to do the deed.

Whats holding me back?

About a week before my deadline I started to get cold feet.  I began to visualize what it was going to be like to face the chair and the needle...and I balked.  My imagination got a hold of what the event was going to be like...and it kind of looked like this:


I walk into a musky little parlor that smells vaguely of turpentine and kitty vomit.  The room only lit by a single low hanging lamp that hangs right above a torn leather chair that looks like something from Sweeney Todd.  The aura around this chair is so menacing that I remark to myself that the only thing it is missing is some leather arms straps and a metal helmet that sends fatal electricity into the poor schlob that sits down in it.  

In my mind the tattoo chair that would await me was reminiscent of Ole' Spark from "The Green Mile".



I have only had a moment to catch my breath when I feel the icy touch of death on my shoulder.  I look down and I see a hand that is marked in both a matted coat of knuckle hair and an image of a skull that was branded into the skin.   At this point I have set my bowel control level to "optional".  With my face going from flush to pale in .7 seconds I turn around and meet the man behind the hand.  

It is the owner of this place...and the man who will be in charge of "inking" me.  The dude is taller than Hagrid and dressed in more leather than Cat Girl.  My eyes bounce between the web tattoo on his neck and the toothpick that he swishing around his mouth.   He has a thick mound of jet black hair that is slicked back in such a way that it would even cause the Fonz to let out a "Whoa!" if he encountered it.  I don't make eye contact with him because his eyes are a combination of oil and "I eat children". 

This is the first time that I begin to think that getting a tattoo is a bad idea.  With his hand on my shoulder still I decide to break the tension building between us...

ME:  Hello sir.

AXE: (in a vthat must have just got done gargling graveloice )  Call me Axe.

ME: Axe?

AXE:  So you want a tat?

ME: I think so.  It doesn't hurt much does it?

AXE:  Well it doesn't hurt as much as getting your knee busted in by your ex-wife's new junkie boyfriend if that is what you mean.

ME: Okay...thats....good.  I just have a fear of needles.

AXE:  And I have a fear of not being able to control my murderous rage when I am face to face with flowery whiners who smell like woman's hairspray.

ME: I happen to like the smell of Aqua-net!  What do you use to keep your hair so slick and shiny?

AXE:  Sissy blood.

ME: Oh....

AXE:  So what kind of bad-ass tattoo does a half-ling like you want to get?

ME: I am not sure.  Do you have a catalog?

AXE: If you want a catalog go to Gymboree!

ME: What?   Well...do you have any examples of your work?

AXE: If you want an example of the work I am capable of I suggest you dig up my old roommate Jimmy.  If you do tell him I said "Face!".

ME: Ok....uh...

AXE:  Do you want me to tell you what tattoo I think you should get?

ME: Yeah!  That sounds like a good way to get the creative juices flowing!  For away my good man!  My body is your canvas!

AXE:  Stop talking.  Your voice makes me want to stab you in the ear hole.

ME: Right.  Sorry...so what do you suggest for me?

AXE:  ****Omitted for profanity.  Rest assured it was extremely graphic and the image he suggested was a combination of his apparent hatred of Canadians and a pagan mating ritual between otters****

ME: Holy crap...

AXE: Intense huh?

ME: Is that even legal to have something like that on my body?

AXE: Not in the eyes of man or God, but it is legal in the eyes of THE AXE!

ME:  I was thinking I just wanted a mysterious saying or phrase that would be a good conversation starter.

AXE: Hmmm.  How about "Death by murder" or "Cops Suck".

ME: No....not that....maybe I don't want a statement.  How about a Chinese symbol?

AXE: I only do American Tattoo's!  I call them Freedom Ink!

ME: Sure...ok...lets see...

AXE: I got a good idea for your tat!

ME: Really? Alright, cool...what are you thinking?

AXE: I am thinking you better choose something right now before my vicodin wears off.  Trust me when I tell you that you do not want to see me without vicodin in my system.  The voices will come back and I am sure none of them will like you.

ME: Ok...I am still thinking...

AXE: Choose Meat-bag!  Hurry!

ME: Just a sec...

AXE: Now! Pick something!  Do it!

ME: Uh...

AXE:  Choose your ink or die Bilbo Baggins!

ME: I don't know!!! 

AXE:  Don't make me hurt you!!! Choose!!

ME: Ahhhhhhh...

AXE: How about a picture of a football?

ME: A football....?

AXE: Yeah a nice football.

ME Yeah....a nice football...

AXE: Good.  Now when I scream "Go time!" I want you to bite down on this leather strap.  Hard.

ME: Should you be drinking whiskey while taking pain pills AND holding a hot needle gun.

AXE:  This is not just a needle gun!  He is my little brother and I call him "Mr. Scream". 

ME: Oh...no...wait I think that maybe I need to think more ab-

AXE: GO TIME!!!!!



The last thing I remember is AXE placing his tree trunk sized knee on my chest to keep me from squirming.  He starts to place the needle on my forearm and I let out an unnaturally loud girlish squeal.  As I pass out I tale not of the fact that his breath smells like Taco Bell.....




And this is the reason why I have not gotten any ink yet.  As soon as I am convinced my experience will not be anything like this I will get one.