Hello 2010!  Nice to see you. Welcome to the party. Thanks for stopping by and saying "Howdy".  If you don't mind can you please put down the drink and get the hell out now?  Yep...I am pretty good at first impressions and I would like you to stop eating my wife's cheese dip and make your way toward the door.  Whats that you say?  You're no different from your brother 2009 and your sister 2008 (both of which I was friends with).  Thats nice.  I believe you...I think you are exactly the same and that is the problem sir.  Don't give me that look.  I have given you enough chances to prove that you may be offering me something a little more than your siblings did.  It's fair to say that you have not....so...before this gets any more awkward you are welcome to take the walk of shame out of my home.  No...it's not ok if you take the beer you brought.  Once it's in my frig it becomes my property.  And no...nobody will give you a ride back home.  Jerk....


2010 is less then two weeks old and I am already tired of it.  Maybe it's the 87 year old grouchy woman inside me named "Irma" but I have little patience for wasting my time with punks like 2010.  Irma and I agree that 2010 is no better than 2009....and that fact haunts me like a fast food taco that spent the last seven days warming under the red glow of MC'Heat before it met my ever-weakening colon.

What has happened that has caused me to feel this way?  How can I already pass judgment on a year that has only begun to scratch it's mark on the tree?  Well are some of the things that are leading me to believe that this trip around the sun is crappier than Caddyshack 2.  (BTW:  Caddyshack is truly horrible.  It was make by someone who must hate making people laugh.  Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd should be forced to watch that during their "Soul Scrubbing" that must take place in the white rooms of purgatory.  Caddyshack 2 did to the classic movie Caddyshack what The Swine Flu did to Pigs everywhere)

Here is what is already ticking me off about 2010:

Avatar.  When I look at you...you make me feel blue.



Pretty movie to look at.  Story that is at best has been done to death by movies far better than it.  Big things blow up which is cool.  But...I am already sick and tired of hearing about it.  The hype machine behind this movie is starting to make me hate the color blue.  Seriously, if you are a smurf that is living in a forest near my house and you need some help because Azrael the cat is hunting you down I will not provide you shelter because of this movie.  I will be happy to watch you and Jokey Smurf get turned into Kitty-Chow only because I have grown tired of people who think this should be considered the best movie of the year.  It's not.  Not even close.  I don't think it's a horrible...like stupid face melting "Jennifer's Body" was.  However it is not elite.  It is a good looking movie that tried to have something to say but ultimately fails.  Kind of like me....    Oh and before you start telling me it's good because it has made a lot of money and it is setting records the only thing I can say is it should be making a lot of money because it costs the move goer around $19, 000.34 to see it!

Next....

Grocery Store Check Out Games.





I am tired of the folks at the grocery store check out line who decide to burn their eyes through my soul.  You know they are the people that only have one less item than you but they expect you to let them pass.  I used to be a sucker for that game.  I would spend an extra hour making sure I was the check out martyr who would made sure that their would be justice for all those behind me who just came in to buy eggs.  The problem was I think people started taking advantage of me.  They soon could tell that I had soft eyes and I would easily bend when they would emit a low sigh when me and my four items where checking out ahead of their two.  Yes..I even let people pass me when I only had four items.  That is sick.  I have decided to fight back and now no matter what (unless someone is having a baby and just wanted to run in to Safeway to buy some Wheat Thins for the road) I will never let anyone pass.  Yesterday I stood my ground against a huffy dude in a suit who was just buying ice.  I saw him eye my twelve items with outrage as I began my scripted chit chat with the checkout mama.  He felt entitled to move ahead...and old softy John-Boy who have taken into account his near frozen hands and the fact that he looked important and let him jump ahead of me like the Alpha-Dog he was bred to become.  In this case I didn't.  I held my ground like a Rambo did against that Russian Fighter in Rocky IV.  He was not pleased.  But I was.  I was not a check out store doormat for once in my life. 

Of course I sobbed all the drive home from the store as a river of guilt rushed over me.  So today I went back to my old ways and started to let anyone and everyone ahead of me.  Irma was not very happy.  Not very happy at all precious.


Next...


My "Dishwasher"




My appliance is the suckiest suck suck that ever sucked.  It is not so much a dishwasher as it is a "Dish Smudger".  It just takes the filth from one plate and magically transports it to another.  If one plate in the washer has a cream sauce hangover than all the plates in the washer have one when the mocking "All Done" light comes on.  If I wanted to drink out of a dirty glass that is caked with something greenish than I would go back in time to college to when I did not care what exactly I pushed into my system.  I am amazed at how a glass on a different level as a plate can become infected with it's unique brand of yuck.  The teleportation of all the grime in there is amazing and disgusting all at the same time.  It is the appliance version of "The Fly".


This is what my dishwasher does to my dishes.  Gina Davis would not even look at them either.


Next....





Jay Leno

If I hear your name again in the next 48 hours I am going to vomit up some sort of dark sludge that has been forming in my belly since I heard you replaced Carson.  Not that I don't think you are talented.  You are.  You just are not my cup of delight.  Irma loves you...which should maybe tell you something!  And now that I am hearing that you are pushing my man Conan around the schedule bar on my DVR well I am about to have a "Man-trum".  Leave my Red-Headed Sugar Daddy alone!  Find another network that does not care about losing it's viewers with crazy programming.  Like MTV....


Next....

Underwear Bomber




That has to be the worst name ever for a villain.  What kind of street cred can you have with that title?  If I had to spend sometime in The Shawshank Prison I would want a tough name like "The Iron Fist of Danger" or "Lion-Slayer" or "He-who-shall-not-be-named".  Heck I would even take the name "Doily Sweet-Tuckis" than the "Underwear Bomber".  That is not going to go well for you and I am sorry.  I am sorry that you hate me so much that you had to pack explosives down near funky town.   There had to have been a moment where you had a chance to stop yourself and ask "Do I really want to light my Cha-Cha-Hey-Nanny a blaze?"  I wish you would have made a better choice.  Because now every time I go on a plane I am going to be looking for someone with hot underwear.  Wait...that sounds really bad.  See what you have turned me into???

Next....

Geico Commercials

I just have one thing to say to you:

PICK ONE AD CAMPAIGN AND JUST GO WITH IT!!!!



                                      

I confused.  Are you represented by Cavemen or by Lizards?  Or are you represented by piles of money with freaky eyes tape to the tops of their heads? They are all disturbing in their own freakish way to be sure.  Why do you have to have all three?  Can't you just have one?  What kind of universe have you created for yourself in this ad's?  I will tell you that Irma and I believe you have created a sick and perverse one that allows lizards to have a better job than me, Cavemen to rise again and attend swankier parties than I go to, and that money stalks some people...but never me.  I want you to have some sort of cage match between the three and then let that decide who your only spokescreature is.  It will be like Thunderdome.  Three unnatural freaky things enter...one leaves!  I can tell you if you ever ad a fourth character to your ad's I am going to perhaps have to be medicated because if you can't tell this really bothers me more than it should.

You already did??



Super-Crap.  Not only to did you manage to add someone else to your ever-growing pool of weirdo's but you also managed to make fun of people with speech impediments.


Next....


Mike "The Situation"  From The Soul Staining TV Show "Jersey Shore"




Sigh....


I don't watch the show..but I did see an interview with him.  I think there is a 43 % chance he is the Anti-Christ.  I am sure he is nice....but he should follow the advice I gave "The Undi-Bomber" about nicknames.



Next...



People who are never ever ever wrong....even when they are.

I will not throw stones here.  More times than I would like to admit I am one of these folks who cannot admit it when I am the CEO of SCREWUP INC.  I cling to "having to be right" at all costs approach at times.  However I have adopted a new phrase when it seems like I am in conflict with the world over a particular issue.  My new phrase is "Is this my fault?"  Often times it is me.  I think we need to allow our selves to be wrong.  There is a certain amount of freedom in not having all the answers.  It kind of means we have not figured everything out yet.  There is also something to be said about allowing someone to be smarter than us.  Unless they have a nickname like "The Situation".



Sean Hannity, Keith Olbermann, and people of your kind.  I am talking to you here.  Please listen.

You can all take a big drink of shut up juice.


These are all things that have been causing me to stay awake and question everything since the clock turned the 09 into a 10 eleven days ago.  I know these seem like pretty trivial things to concern myself with.  I was just hoping to have some transcendental experience that would allow me to live above these minor irritants.  I wonder if I am being too hard on 2010.  I mean 2010 is the year that put The Balloon Boy's dad in jail for a few days.  Good Lord...he better come up with a better nickname!  I smell a "New Fish" shiv party coming his way...


Irma and I better hit the hay if we are going to be up early enough to catch The Price Is Right and pine over the days of Bob Barker....don't worry I will call 2010 and make up with him.