Forgive me if I get a little off track here...

Every so often I have brief moments of clarity. I had one tonight that will affect the way I live my life from now on.  You might be the kind of person who has a "A-Ha" moment twice a day...but for me it happens as frequently as Howie Mandel says something funny. 

While some people blaze through life like a pre-heated knife through chilled spam with knowledge of what their purpose is, I on the other hand just kind of drift along like a newly freed leaf looking for a windshield to face-plant on.  I often have no game plan when it comes to anything.  I outline no course of action with any new undertaking I begin.  For example when I start writing a sketch for Ozymandian, I very rarely have any idea where it is going.  I am often just as interested in anyone else to what direction it will take. I really don't have any idea how exactly this blog is going to unfold.  I don't bring agenda's to really anything I do.  I am willing to let life and the divine power that be direct me to the path that I need to be on.  This is maybe not the best idea for someone to have who wants to act like an adult and valuable member of society in 2009 but it happens to be the game plan that I have been operating with for a while with no plans for changing it.  I am an indecisive schmo-daddy who makes life triple harder than it needs to be...but if I lost that aspect of my personality I think I would be kind of bummed. 

Except tonight as I type I think I have had a moment that has given my life a little more focus...a little more of a purpose.

The last time I had one of these experiences of enlightenment happened when I was in eighth grade (in 1988) and I found myself stuck atop a ten foot high chain linked fence. 


                                                             

Me and three buddies were having a "STAND BY ME" moment as we were taking one of those coming of age walks.     However, instead of traveling by foot to find a dead body in the woods, we were walking a mile or so to the nearest arcade to play some Gladiator.  These young male bonding walks are important in the formation of any future man.  You know the kind of walk that young men take where they spit a lot and talk about the cool new word they learned while sneaking out of bed to watch HBO late at night?   While on our walk we discovered that in order to shave off an all important six minutes from our journey we needed to climb this metal fence that stood in our way.  My pals conquered the fence with ease with the dexterity of a ninja-in-training.  When it came to my turn I of course had a problem. After my white-knuckled ascent to the top of the swaying fence of death I was put in a position where I had to swing my legs over so I could climb down the other side.  I was facing the dreamed "Straddle Move" that had always haunted me whenever I tried other such fences. SInce I was up so high there would be no margin of error here.  I knew that if I slipped and fell to the ground the sound of my snapping bones would be met with the cackle of my pals down below.  Not only would my spine take a beating, but so would my fragile social standing with these gents.  I had to get over this fence if I was ever going to be asked to join them on this journey again.  Since my athletic ability could be matched by an apple and the fact that my legs were as long as a pencil I knew there was going to be a problem.  Clinging to the top of wrong side of the checkered see-through barrier I became paralyzed in fear.  I looked down below to get some much needed support from my good friends down below.  I told them I did not think I could make the move over the metal and extremely pointy top of Mr. Fencey. That seemed to excite them.  For a eighth grade boy there is nothing really anything cooler than watching one of your buds dance the tango with death for your amusement.   My concerns were met with the following good-natured and motivational comments: (I will also provide the translation of what I really think they meant)

"Come on Oompa-Loompa boy.  Get the %$@ over the fence!"  - Translated to mean:  "I know you can do it John!"

"If you don't finish climbing over in the next ten seconds I am going to tell everyone you have been singing Rick Ashley to yourself in your tape recorder again.  - Translated to mean:  "You are so talented that this fence can't stop a man of your ability!"

"If someone beats me to play Centipede because we are waiting for you than I am going to kill you!  Like really really kill you!"  Translated to mean:  "John you are handsome like the dude who plays Remington Steele and I wish I was more like you. "

"Holy cow you are a wussy!"  Translated to mean:  "John, your struggle to make it over this fence is symbolic of mankind's fear of failure.  When you make it over this obstacle I will raise my glass to you in tribute to your courage, purple shaded glasses, and puffy Kevin Bacon like hair!"

"There is no way this jerk is going to make it.  Me and my pegged pants are out of here"  Translated to mean:  I am still a bed-wetter and I say these things to you to make myself feel better about the soiled kingdom I spawn every night in my Star Wars comforter"

So with that kind of encouragement (and other more colorful expressions) I decided it was time to make my move.  For the short person throwing their leg takes a little more effort than it does for the normally heighted person.  In order to get my self over to the other side of the fence I would have to draw upon some sort of primal power that typically laid dormant in my gentle heart.   So like the mighty salmon who fights upstream in some sort of un-natural act of visual poetry I thrusted my stumpy leg straight into the air.  As my wee leg shot up like a 1960's space rocket I clung to the skin ripping metal fence in hopes that I had could make this physics-defying move that would not require me to have to get a new hamstring from Target.  With my leg searching for the top of the metal aluminum mountain I prayed that the Lord above would take pity on me and my small frame and intervene on my behalf.  I beseeched the angels and whomever the saint of stubby legged acme faced children to guide me safely over this fence.

To this day I am not sure how it happened...but somehow...someway...my leg made it over to the other side.  I found myself with one leg on one side of the metal fence.  I sat there atop of the metal fence in a moment of glory.  With the setting sun as my background I sat there for a moment letting my doubters down below take notice.  I saw them in jaw-dropped amazement that was due to the miracle they just bore witness to.  As I sat there that chain fence I knew that I was having a moment that I would not soon forget.  I had a moment of clarity that I never usually have.  I was reminded that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for.  The lesson I learned was not to doubt myself so much.

Then I learned another very valuable lesson.

Never ever sit on a chain link fence.

Never...ever...do that.

You see the top of this fence was lined with little pointy pieces of metal which were apparently sharp enough to cut through my stonewashed jeans with an incredible sharpness and cold fury that haunts me to this day.  Thank goodness that I had not sat down far enough on the fence for the points to make it past my last line of defense (which was my Grandpa-like white undies) and into the land of my Who-Who-Nanny.  (Who-Who-Nanny is a medical term for my Cha-Cha-Hey-Noony)  It seems as I was taking my moment of glory the metal pointy things got interlaced with my undergarments.  I was stuck.  I could not stand up...and every time I sat any further down I became aware of the fact that if I went any further I may never be able to have children.

It did not take long for my fan club down below to take notice of my predicament.  After their twelve minute hysterics of laughter and hugging they decided that it was time to help me find a way off of the top of the metal fence that was still digging into my unmentionables.  They huddles to discuss what to do next while I sat in a twisted form of purgatory.  With a hushed whisper they came up with a plan that would free me from the hungry jaws of the demonic fence.  As there huddle broke and they approached the fence I could tell in their eyes that they had a good idea how they were going to get me down.  For a brief moment I felt sure that everything was going to be ok.  My eyes met theirs and without a word my buds conveyed the important message of "Leave no man behind". My confidence in my friends was quickly shattered when I discovered what their plan was.

They decided that the best course of action was to shake me from the top of the fence.

Despite my screams, pleas, bribes, and apparently an ancient curse I placed upon them they each took a hand full of the fence and shook me from my captivity.

I won't go into detail with what happened.  I will only say that the next twenty minutes tested me in a way that my previous 14 years had failed to.  When it was over I was left in a heap on ground with ripped pants and my neather-regions refusing to speak with me....but I was on the right side of the fence.  I had made it!  After making sure I had a pulse, my friends dusted me off, reassured my masculinity, and helped me up and we continued our journey to the arcade.  

Thank goodness You Tube had not been invented yet....but I still remember the lesson I learned while sitting on top of that terrible fence.  In that moment I was reminded that I can do anything I set my mind to.  Even though the journey over the fence was painful and put my "William Nutchester the fourth" in grave danger, I still made it over.  I can do more than I give myself credit for.


Tonight I learned another valuable lesson.  I won't bore you with the way it came to me.  But I think I am going to make it part of my everyday life.

I will try and forgive everything and everybody.

No more grudges.

No more withholding my pardon like it is something to be earned by people. 

I will just choose to forgive people...including myself.

From the person who cut me off at Barnes and Noble today, to the young men I watched make fun of a child with Down Syndrome I will forgive them.  They don't and should not have to ask.  I need to forgive people because the alternative will mold me into someone I don't want to be.

I sometimes get wrapped up on putting conditions to forgiving people.  If they act sorry enough, say the right things, or make promises to not do it again I will consider giving them my golden pardon.  What a joke I am.  My ego is so big it has it's own ego.

I know that I will fail at this new goal from time to time.  It is easier to let anger sweep over me and to write people off who have wronged me.  I have no doubt that I will give my ego power from time to time and allow it to not let things go.  I am going to try my best not to let that happen.  Who am I to decide who deserves my mercy and who doesn't? 

Does that mean I am going to let people walk all over me?  Nope..at least I hope not. Does that mean I will let bad people do bad things and just accept it.  No I am just giving up my title of "Judge Over All Mankind"...the pay is not so good.   It just means that I am really over holding onto feelings of bitterness toward people.  It drains my energy..and I don't have enough as it is.  I will make peace with my fellow man and forgive them for what they do to cross me.  I also think that I probably need forgiveness about 100 times a day from other people because of my John Roedel ways.  I am not perfect by any means...and I am connected to everyone else through our imperfection that comes with being human.

Sometimes I refuse to forgive myself.  I let past mistakes or failures churn inside me when it only takes a moment of self-reconciliation to make the guilt go away.

It is time to let the crap go.  It is time that I shake myself from the fence of self-righteousness.  I have let too many moments, life lessons, and relationships slip by or wither away because I let my pride interfere with my heart.

I will try my best to live this way from now on.  I will even forgive the makers of the children show "Yo Gabba Gabba"...and that for me will take every ounce of self-awareness.  The time has come for me to be brave like I was so many years ago and deny the limitations that I have placed upon myself.  It is not up to me to distribute my forgiveness to some and not all.  Forgive everyone. 

Time has come to let the weight of all of my grudges against the world off of my back.

I am no longer ready to bear the weight of all my grudges.



I probably still live without a life plan or mission statement.  I will however, forgive myself for that.  Still working on forgiving the person who decided chain linked fences should have pointy metal things on top.  That is just sick.....