I get email's from time to time from parents of autistic parents who maybe have found a grain of support in something that I have written.  I appreciate those email's.  Not because I have a three headed ego monster that is in search of praise...but because it reminds me that my family and I are not on an island.  There are other castaways here on autism island who are trying to fashion a raft for their families to try and make it back to the mainland.

Even so often I am asked advice about what to do when it comes to raising a child with autism.  The questions sometimes range from the everyday grind to the spiritual.    Every time I respond initially by giving two small slices of advice.  Often times this sparks a back and forth discussion that leads to other topics.  However, regardless of the exact situation the parent is going through I start by saying the following in one way or another:

I am a guy who often forgets that metal does not belong in the microwave...so they should take my advice with the knowledge that often times I am out-witted by tumbleweeds.  I am not an answer man!  I am just a guy with two different colored socks who happened to find a path that worked for me.  No advice I give comes from me thinking that I am right or smart.  It comes from my experience. 

My two suggestions for parents of special needs children are:


My first piece of advice is to admit that you need help!  We all need to recognize the people in our life or find someone who will walk the journey with you.  For me it was my wife.  She took on autism with the courage of a warrior queen.  I needed her to provide me with backups to the weaknesses I was going to have as a special needs parent.  If I am standing today it is only because she took our families lead on our journey into the autism jungle.  A single parent is going to have a very hard time doing this on their own.  If the other parent is out of the picture my advice is to turn to your support system (extended family, friends, church, etc) and admit that you need help.  I am often struck by how hard it is for us to ever ask for help.  The phrase "I need help" might as well be "I am from the planet Klug and I would like to eat at your fancy restaurant for free. Also I look like your icon Bradley Pitt".  We feel so self conscious whevener we confess to our support people that we are hurting....man I hate our stupid stinking poop smoking pride!  It serves us no good.  If you feel like you are raising a child with special needs on your own you need to reach out!  Find that person who will understand your grief.  Someone who hold your hand while you sob because your child's condition re-breaks your heart every day.  I hope that everyone in my situation has someone who can be there to be your backup.  You will need those hands on your back holding you up on the days that it feels like your body wants to bend to the pressures you are under.  I have met people who are utterly alone on this journey...and I cannot imagine how hard their road is.  Please take three seconds and close your eyes and say a pray for single parents of special needs children who are doing this work all on their own.  Pray for them that the right person comes along who will be there for them as they are helping their beloved child find their place in this world. 

If you are one of these parents who are raising a child with a special need and you feel deeply alone I have some great resources for you to find support.  Please email or message me and I will send you the links depending on your situation.  It is very very very ok to ask for help.  I have to do it 459 times a day and I have not yet exploded. 

My second piece of advice I give is for people who ask it is simply to not borrow trouble.  Everyone in the world has things we can fret about that are going to happen in the future.  There is always that far-out yucky stuff that can upset our present mood.  Some of this stuff can be a dreaded business meeting that is a couple weeks away, or the dentist appointment you have to go to in a few days.  For parents of special needs children some of the future trouble involves macro issues.  Like "what quality of life with my child have when he/she is 21?"  or "I just know that someday my child will have to be institutionalized" or "When my child goes to school will he/she ever make a friend, or are they destined to be alone forever."  When we worry about stuff like that we are taking ourselves out of the moment we are in and assuming that the future is going to be terrible.  I am not saying that the future is going to be filled with dancing cider-drunk unicorns who burp rose petals, but why beat ourselves up over crap that is not here yet.  I cannot tell you how many beautiful moments I have ruined because I was in a foul mood about something that has not even happened yet.  If I think too far in advance I am missing out on the glorious here and now!  When caring for a child with a disability nothing in the future is promised...but what is promised is the opportunity I have to love my child who is sitting right here in front of me.  No, I am not saying that we must live like Hippie's who don't make any plans for the future...plans are cool...I like plans like I like fondue.  (just plan on your plans changing every 5-8 seconds)   I am saying that you should not let that slow drip of worry about the future poison what is going on in your life right now.  If right now you have the chance to hug on and love your child than focus on that not the therapy bill that is coming due in the next couple weeks.  You will have plenty of time to worry about that in the future.  Just not right now.  Focus on love not worry.  Wow...that did sound kind of cheesy.  Cheesy it may be, but it is true.  Never worry about crap in the future when you can spend that time embracing the present.  Recently I have been trying to catch myself whenever I become overwhelmed with worry to let it go as if it were someone else's problem.  Then I turn all that emotion into gratitude for all the little miracles that are happening around me in the present that I would lose out if I spent that time worrying about stuff I cannot control anyways.

That is a little easier said than done. Sure is. There are plenty of parents who cannot dig themselves out of worry to be able to experience the present.  They have so many valid worries about the future that it is almost like someone surgically removed all hope from their souls.  They are crushed under doctor bills, daily battles with their child's school, and their own depression that they cannot see past the worry and the stress to see a glimmer of light.  Take another three seconds for those parents and pray for them.  Pray that they can find away to dig out from under the avalanche and to look for the little signs of hope.  Being hopeless is the worst thing a parent in this siltation can suffer from.  Let them see that while they cannot control the future they have the power to control their reaction to the present. 

If you are a parent who is overcome with grief, stress, and worry about the future please email me.  I have some great strategies and things I have found to help me out.  If a schlep-o like me can survive than so can you! 



These are two first steps that have helped me maintain some sort of mental health through our families experience with autism. 

I wrote this tonight because I got an email from a lady who say's I don't blog enough about autism    She requested that I write something that could help someone rather than make them become bigger idiots.  (which I think is a jab at my recent entries groundbreaking entries)    Peace....J-Ro