How to write a blog

"Selecting a solid blog topic is more tricky than winning Olympic medals"  -Michael Phelps  (the one who lives in my head.  not the real one.  the real one did not return my emails, facebook messages, and telepathic requests)


Stretch.  Ha...just kidding.  The last time I considered stretching I received a "Cease and Desist" letter from my hamstring.  The only thing I stretch these days is my waist line...(drum roll)  Thank you...so anyway the next thing you should do before you start working on your next great blog you must:


Get a drink of your choice.  You want to get something that does not have ice in it.  Because whether we realize it or not ice is the leading indicator that you are wasting time. As the ice melts it serves as a mocking time piece.  The disappearing ice is reminding you that you have been blogging way to long to only have a half paragraph about how you think that if your parents would have bought you a guitar when you were four that you would have turned into the next Johnny Cash or Tracy Chapman.  There must be no ice in your fresh drink...it will only make you feel bad later when it has melded itself into your tasty bev and you are still trying to finish up the poem you began that is all about Butter.  There should be no noticeable difference in your drinks texture as you let your brilliance pour forth.

Sit in front of the computer. Then...

Wish that you had a better chair.  One that did not make you feel like you were being tortured to uncover secrets that you don't have.  As you sink into the chair you realize that when you stand up in an hour or two you will be hunched over like you were trying out for the part of Gollum in Lord Of The Rings: The Musical.  In the first few moments after you are seated in the chair you can feel the small of your back slow go numb.  Before it goes it whispers one final command "Get a new (beeeeeeeep) chair you (beep beep beep beepity beepo beep). 

Check Internet. Before you bring up whatever word program you wish to use it is best to take care of all other virtual business that would be a distraction if left unattended.  This includes but not limited to the following:

-Check Email
-Visit You Tube to make sure there are people who are a little more desperate than yourself.
-Go to http://www.bandnamemaker.com/ and come up with a sweet and artistically ironic band name.  For example tonights selections are "Dolls of the Roedel Belly" or "Starlight Roedel"  and of course "Fanny of the J-Roe".  All of which are beautiful and could certainly be the name of a multiple Grammy winning band.
Recheck your email to make sure you have not received a life changing email. 
-Visit The Drugereport.com and HuffingtonPost.com to remind yourself why you hate partisan politics.
-Finally recheck your email just one last time...
-Reply to the Head of the Economy in Nigeria to get further information about the $ 45,000,000,000.34 that he apparently needs your help in transferring.  Provide him with your bank account numbers only after he proves who he is...or if he sounds like he really needs it.

Ok so now that you are done with those pesky distractions it is time to get working on a blog that will reshape the way people use the Internet.  The next step is very simple.  You must select a topic that you want to write about....

However, before you do that actually you must open up your Itunes program.  You simply cannot blog without music.  You need some good tuneage to soundtrack this masterpiece that lives in your heart that you want to give form to.  Tonight you select this song to get your muse up and dancing:





Ok....now it is time to write that blog!!! 

The blank page is starting at you and you have no idea what to do next.  Having a little writers block is very normal.  Start by just writing the first thing that comes to your mind:

(five to ten minutes pass)

Anything will do.  Come on!  Just type something...anything.  Here it goes: 

 When I was little I had a man-crush on Kirk Cameron. 

Let me be more clear.  When I said type "anything" I didn't mean type anything that will further typecast you as the mayor of freakytown.  Type something that you think would be a good starting point to a fantastic blog entry.  So try again:

(eleven minutes pass)

Hmmm.....

Maybe you should take a potty break now.

(two minutes later)

Hey!  You made it back!  Great...so lets get that first line of your blog typed out....

Hrm.  This might be a good time to watch some TV for a bit.  That might get you inspired.  Maybe Wolf Blitzer is on...he knows how to freak you out.  He might just scare you into a good blog.  Go ahead take a break.  I will be here waiting for you.

(22 hours later)

I see you finally came back.  So did you come up with a great blog idea? 

You want to write a blog about how you write blogs?  Sounds sucky to me...but lets get started.  I want to get back to watching Mad Men.

So just type the first line:


How to write a blog.

(this should be a winner)