Yo from the Roe.

I feel like saying the following today:

I am having a breakthrough. Which is not to be confused with a breakdown. I am always just a breath away from one of those. Since I can have breakdown 3 or 4 times a day I have grown used to them. Depending on the news coming out of The Denver Bronco’s HQ, the daily frantic hunt for my lost car keys, or something far more sinister I can go from content to brokenhearted in 4.2 seconds. (this time has been clocked by several psychotherapists, my children, my wife, my dog, my XBOX 360, and the dude who tried to help me buy shoes.) So moments of being completely melted down emotionally is something that is programmed in my souls motherboard. Having breakthroughs, however, are something much more rare.

What is my breakthrough?

I am not sure. It is hard to spit out…it may take me years to understand. This breakthrough of mine has been a long time coming and it has just started…but here is the part that I got so far. (This may or may not apply to you. If it does fantastic. If it does not please go ahead silently mocking and doodling pictures of me being eaten by a really reallu angry circus bear.)

Are you a glass half empty person? Well I am. To the extreme. I am not only a glass half empty person, but I also believe that the part of the glass that is full contains a poison that will either kill me or make me like the music of Tyler Swift. (not sure which is worse…..) My SOP is to expect the worst in all situations. I do this to lower expectations so I am not disappointed when (if) things don’t work out. When meeting new people I expect them to think I am a super tool…so I shut my pie hole and leave no impression. When I consider taking my three rowdy boys out in public I assume that the experience will end with the law pepper spraying us all into submission…so I decide to keep us at home.

This lowering of expectations flows outward to the rest of my life. I expect negative results all the time. Whenever I post a blog I expect to get a mean email or two. When I perform on stage I expect that people will hate whatever it is I am doing…so I often find myself not putting my entire being into it. I expect that when that whenever I take a risk that I will fail like a New Coke….so I sit on my hands and refuse to make a move.

I stop myself from being creative at all times because I expect that a 35 year old man should focus on more serious issues….so I try and become something I am not. It is time for me to admit that while I am not good at many things I am good at being creative. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to type the previous sentence. I have deleted and retyped it about five times now. Why? Because it is so much easier to admit the stuff I suck at than the stuff I am good at. I, like many people hate being complimented. I hate it because I never know how to react. My internal meter that registers my discomfort becomes buried whoever somebody points out something that I did well. That happens not because of something amazing humility that pulses through my saint-like being. I dismiss compliments because I don’t believe. I choose to believe the voice of self doubt that has opened up shop right near my ego. I expect that when people compliment me that they are either lying, or wrong….so I can allow myself to continue to believe the limitations that I placed upon myself.

I was told something remarkable lately by a really amazing lady about this idea of being overly humble. I was told to quit it. That there is a difference between not letting my ego take over and being afraid to give myself credit for who I am. There have been countless times in my life where somebody has said really nice words to me that I immediately flushed away because if I were to take it to heart than that would mean that I would need to expect more out of myself.

This part of my breakthrough came through this morning as I was buying a Taco Salad for my wife. The lady who was helping me was an Indian Lady who did not really look at me through our entire transaction. Since the fast food joint was so busy she was operating on autopilot. Once she took my money she woke up and noticed my necklace. A month ago I had bought a Yak Bone necklace that has the Chinese symbol for peace on it.

“I love that necklace.” she remarked.

“Oh, thank you. I think it means peace or something.” I said growing nervous that I was going to have to have a real conversation with someone I did not know.

She corrected me, “No not something…it just means peace. Peace of heart.”

The Taco Bell employee than reached under her collar and showed me that she had a gold necklace with the same symbol on it. She looked really nervous as she held it up to compare with mine.

“That is really cool.” were the only words I could find.

“Yes.” the woman said. “I have found that for me the way I find peace is to forgive myself for being so mean to me.”

Yikes. I was taken off guard by the comment. Not only because I was not prepared to get into a moment of sharing with a stranger, but also because I knew that the dude behind me in Terminator sunglasses was becoming impatient.

“That is true.” I said with probably a very confused look on my face.

“Peace” she said now fully blushing which indicated to me that she was way out of her comfort range here.

Feeling like I was at mass I responded quickly with a mumbled “And peace be with you”. I flashed a quick smile and took my food and walked away.

Here a couple hours later I realize that there was a lesson in there. It is time to start being nicer to myself. To painfully admit that there are something’s that I can do and do very well. That I need to embrace who I am without placing a stint on it. It time to quit sitting on my hands because I expect failure. It is time to expect glory.

So now is the time for me to thaw all the things I want to do that I froze long ago. It is time to start moving forward again.

From some of the emails I get from folks from time to time I know that there are many people like me who are their worst critic. Join me today and stop doing it. Quit being so mean and terrible to yourself. Allow yourself to believe that your are good…otherwise you will be like I was for years and afraid to become the person you are designed to be.

I wish us all peace of heart.