Driving down the streets with one thing on my mind...Hot and Sour Soup from my favorite Cheyenne Chinese Restaurant.  Everything is going according to plan.

Seat Belt? 
Check.

Hands on 10 and 2?
Check.

Belting on some Heart that is playing on the radio?
Check.

Making sure the car full of cowboys did not see me belting out Heart while at stop light?
Check.  Kind of....

Eyes froward?
Check.

Keeping a safe distance between me and the pickup truck ahead of me?
Che-  Wait...what did that bumper sticker say?  It said:

I *heart* Blowing People Up.

What in the what?

What in the holy huh?

Yikes.  Really? No....really?  That is something you want on the back of your car?  That you enjoy exploding people?  Plus, next to the message there was a little cartoony piece of dynamite.

It took a bit for my wee mind to wrap around that message.  A person likes blasting folks so much that they just HAD to buy that bumper sticker.  Since it was the only sticker on the back of their large truck it seemingly made more of a point.  If people have four or five clever little sayings pasted to the back of their hoopty it kind of demonstrates that the buyer is an bumper sticker addict.  We have all seen the bumper sticker addict.  It is like the person who gets one tattoo and takes a serious shine to it that eventually they are walking around with a body full of art and messages to mom.  So since this person only had ONE sticker it lead me to believe that it was not there just because the person felt the need to have one for the sake of having one...and that the message didn't really matter.  I imagine that the person who was driving around with the  I *HEART BLOWING PEOPLE UP sticker really in fact meant that they actually enjoyed that practice.  Enjoyed it so much that they finally came across the perfect bumper sticker that could finally show the world how much they actually loved it. 

Triple yikes.

Of course I had to find out what someone who likes to blow people up looks like.  So like Boss Hogg chasing those crazy Duke Boys I began my pursuit.  I pushed my old Mini Van to the limit (42 mph) and slid over into the passing lane. It took a stop light at an intersection about four blocks later for me to pull up next to the driver of the truck.  I was expecting a dude in a hoodie, some camo, of someone who looked a bit like Kevin Spacey in the movie "Seven".

What I saw was a nice looking chap who appeared to be a little younger than me.  He was wearing a nice little suit that told me that he was probably coming home from Sunday Worship. 

"Would  you like to help with the yard sale after Church my son?"

"No thanks Pastor Smith, I got get home and get started on my chore's.  I am helping my Grandma paint her roof, then I have to bake some cookies for my son's troop meeting, and then I have to go strap someone to some dynamite. Busy times.  Good homily by the way.."

The driver caught me staring at him with my jaw open.  He kindly gave me a wave trying to figure out if he knew who I was.  To prevent me ending up on the bad side of some plastic explosives I have him a two handed wave that probably indicated that I was too good of a friend to blow up. 

The light turned green and I let him go a few car lengths ahead of me before I slunk back into lane I was in previously.  For the rest of the drive home I was fixated on the guy with the bumper sticker.  The decision to put that on his car was not a good one.  For a couple reasons:

1 - Maybe he thought it was funny.  Knock, Knock jokes are funny.  The Office is funny.  Monkey's chucking their poop is funny.  Humans getting blown up by other humans...uh...not so much. 

2- Maybe he was serious.  He really *hearts* blowing people up.  It seems like if that were the case you would not want to advertise it.  Having a bumper sticker like that seems like a good way to get on a Governmental watch list.  I can tell you that if someone I know has a run in with a ball of fire I already have a suspect in mind for who did it.  

3- Maybe it was not his car.  He could have been borrowing it from his crazy Uncle Ted, or his militant roommate.  If that is the case my advice is to walk next time.  If he was a single man I don't think that is the message you want to be sending out to the ladies.  I think I read somewhere that "having a hankerin' to blow people up" is near the bottom of traits that women are looking for in men.  It is only second to "I live with my parents".  Seriously nobody is going to like a person who has that tag line of the car they are operating...


If I were a braver man I would have followed the truck driver and tried to talk some sense into him.  I would have explained to him the "SAY IT OUT LOUD RULE".  The "Say It Out" rule is one that should be used in all decision making.  It is not my rule, I heard someone who used it and I stole it.  So it is not a rule that I invented, but one that I have started to try and incorporate into my daily life.

The Say It Out Loud Rule is pretty simple.  It just states that you must say out loud the course of action that you are about to take.  If it sounds good after you say it then give it a go, and conversely if it sounds horrible once it is uttered out loud than do not do it.  Sometimes things sound like a great idea when we say it in our minds....but once it is spoken out loud it can shed some light on the reality of the situation.  For example this truck driver should have just said out loud the following:

"I am going to buy a bumper sticker that says I  *heart* blowing people up.  Even though it will freak out everyone around me I think that it is still a good idea"  - Now my guess is that if he just would have said that out loud and heard the stupidity of the idea he never ever would have done it.

Don't get me wrong I am not being all "better than this dude" or anything.  I, for one, could have used the Say It Out Loud Rule more in my life than probably anyone else.  Looking back I could have avoided some of my biggest mistakes if  I would have just said out loud the thing I was about to do.  Had I used this rule I would have probably recognized that my mental congress was steering me wrong.   Here are some personal examples:

1991 - "I am about to make a joke about Sam Donaldsons's eyebrows.  Right in front of Sam Donaldson.  I am sure he will think it is as funny as I do."

1992 - " I am going to buy some new glasses that have a purple tint and lenses the size of hubcaps.  I don't care that I look like a drug dealer from Miami Vice.  My friends will probably not make fun of me to the point of my emotional and purple break down."

1993 - "I am going to take College Algebra as an elective.  Even though the only reason I ever even passed it in High School was because the teachers were terrified of the notion of ever having me in their classroom again.  This is a great idea that could not ever hamper my GPA."

1995 - "Yes, I will order the "Nuclear Wings" with extra tabasco and I don't care how hot they are.  Everyone will be impressed with the fact that I am going to eat these, and there is no way that it would lead me to being in bed for the next 4 days.

1996- "I am going to do some stand up comedy.  No I don't have any idea what I am going to say.  I am sure I will think of something when I get up there."

1997 - "I am going to be taking 60 junior high kids to go skiing.  Sounds like a great time."

1998 - "Sure honey.  I will hold onto our engagement picture proofs.  Even though my office looks like it just got raided by the IRS, there is nooooo way I could ever lose these expensive pictures."

2000 - "I am quiting my jobs as a Youth Minister without any real idea of what I am going to do afterward.  Sure I have a child on the way, but being without employment seems the right thing to do right now:

2002 - "I think that doing my final 14 speech for Toastmaster's will be a great success.  My speech is entitled "Why Gary Coleman would make a great presidential candidate.  Oh, I think the room full of business people, and lawyers will really get into it."

2004 - "I am about to do improv in front of 250 people who are eating, and we will be without a mic. It will be fine."

2006 - "I just wrote a sketch that will require me to be an exotic dancer.  It won't be awkward for anyone in the audience.  I am sure that nobody important will ever watch it.  I am sure that my Bishop won't see it."

2007 - "I have just lost my job, but I am not worried.  Taking some time off and relaxing won't be the worst thing in the world for me...even though I have a mortgage and three kids.  The stock market will help keep me afloat."

2008 - "I am taking a job working for an ultra conservative lame duck Congresswoman.  I am the perfect fit"

2008 (two weeks later) - "I am quiting my federal job working for a ultra conservative lame duck Congresswoman. Taking some time off and relaxing won't be the worst thing in the world for me...even though I have a mortgage and three kids.  The stock market will help keep me afloat."

And so on....


I think that if in any of these cases I would have just spoken those phrases out loud in some fashion I might have made different and maybe better decisions.  Sometimes speaking things puts some much needed daylight on them.  If the following phrases would have been spoken out loud maybe we would have all be spared some of these particular blights:

"We are about to start filming a TV series called "After Mash".  It won't have Alan Alda, but we do have Jamie Farr.:

"I am thinking about getting OJ Simpson to try on the bloody glove found at the crime scene, even though we aren't quite sure it will fit.  I doubt that will come back to bite us"

"I am going to pay Alex Rodriguez 120 million dollars to play baseball.  That seems good"

"I am going to produce a prime time TV show featuring Rosie O'Donnell"

"I am about to say "You've done a heckuva job Brownie".

"I think that what the world needs is a reality show about a couple trying to raise 8 children.  I will produce that because I am sure it will be done tastefully"

"Hi, I am Michael Savage and I am about to open my flappers about Autism even though I know less about it than a rock does."

And so on.....

Maybe if everyone adopted the Say It Out Rule than perhaps their would be a fraction less idiocy in the world....

Stay tuned here are a few possible things I should have said out loud that are going on with me right now.  We will wait and see which ones of these end up the list...

"I would love to take the family to a huge water park.  What could go wrong?"

"Be in a Shakespeare in the park?  Of course I am certain I will not destroy the production of this play!"

"Even though I am in a blood feud with Mother Nature I think it is a good idea to go on a full day White Water Rafting trip with the fellas"

"I have stopped looking for work.  I am making work look for me"  

Time will tell which of those statements will be haunting me.  I already have a good idea on which ones will keep me up for years to come....


What is the moral of this blog?  Not sure.  Maybe it is simply "Speak it out loud before you do it".  This includes buying homicidal bumper stickers.