Usually during Autism Awareness Month I am given the chance to sit down and conduct an interview with Autism and ask it a few question.This year Autism agreed to do the interview if it was the one asking questions. 

This is how it went down:

Autism:  Hi John!  You look great today!

John: Thanks.

Autism: Like really really great.  Did you get a haircut?

John:  Yes.  Yesterday morning.

Autism:  Well it just looks super on you.  You know who you kind of look like?  Danny Gokey, the American Idol finalist.

John: I do?  I don't think that-

Autism: You are a beautiful beautiful man.

John: Are you hitting on me?

Autism:  Kind of.

John: Ok...so this is going to be a weird interview then huh?

Autism: I just wanted o start the interview in a positive place with good energy flowing between us.

John:  That is very new agey of you Autism.

Autism: Well I just figured with your build in hostility toward me that you would bring into this I should try to make you feel welcome from the get go.

John:  Oh. I promise to conduct myself in an objective and polite manner.

Autism: Sounds great sexy man.

John:  Please stop.

Autism: Gladly!  So my first question is why do you hate me?

John: I don't hate you.

Autism: Be honest...

John: Look, ok there was a time where I did in fact hate you.  But I don't anymore.

Autism: Alright.  So why did you hate me?

John: Because as a parent you were my worst nightmare that became real.  Even before having children I was terrified about having a child with special needs.

Autism: Why?

John:  Because I have the emotional frailty of a bi-polar cocker spaniel.  One of my few talents I have is knowing the things that I cannot handle.  Growing up I knew a lot of parents who raised children with disabilities, and they were incredibly strong and together people.

Autism: And you don't thing that you are "strong" or "together".

John: I am afraid of clowns, bee's. and falling space debris in that order! So what does that tell you.

Autism: Good point.  Moving on...what is the greatest concert you have ever been to in person?

John: What?  What does that have to do with anything?

Autism: Our readers would like to get to know you a little better.

John: You don't have any readers!!

Autism:  True dat.  But i I did they would want to know more about the man who speaks so ill about me.  It is kind of a "know they enemy" thing.

John: Fine.  Yes, I will admit that there are times when I am less than charitable when I talk about you.  You have to understand where I am coming from however.

Autism: Oh I know where you are coming from.  It is a little town called Bitterpants, USA,

John: Nope.  That is not where I am coming from.

Autism:  Well please enlighten me...

John:  It is hard to explain.

Autism: Try.

John: We had plans.

Autism: What does that mean?

John: Our family had plans.  And then you came along and sprinkled your dust on our little guy...and....well everything changed.

Autism: Hmm.  So little old me is the cause of all your troubles.  Must be nice to have a scapegoat.

John:  I guess there was a time in my life where I blamed you for everything.  I don't do that anymore.

Autism: So what kind of plans did you have that I apparently ruined?

John:  Just a different life.

Autism: A better one?

John: I used to think without you our life would be better.  You have caused a lot of trouble.  But now...

Autism: Now what?

John: Well as much as I don't to admit it I have to say that there have been some positive things about having you around.

Autism:  I have to say that is a surprise to hear.

John: I know.  You have taught our family to kind of take one day at a time.

Autism: Meaning?

John: Because we don't really know what the future holds for us, we don't really have long term plans.  We just kind of embrace the good days, survive the bad, and try and remain hopeful.

Autism: You have no long term goals?  That sounds reckless.

John: What I mean to say is that we no longer live under the umbrella of "expectations".  Before you came into our family we had serious expectations about how we would raise our children.  We expected them to become the people we wanted them to be.   I think because of you we allow our children just to be who they are. 

Autism: Ok.  So it sounds like you are running a hippie commune?

John:  No.  Now we are just embrace our kids for who they are, and not to try and force them to be who we think they should be.  Yes, we give them rules, and teach them to respect themselves and others.  But I guess Autism you have educated us in the art form of accepting the uniqueness of each of our children. 

Autism:  You have given up on fighting me then?

John:  Fighting you does not work for us.  There is no fighting you.  You are dug in pretty deep into our little guy.  But we are committed to helping our son learn to live with you.  We will explore every possible way to make sure the two of you co-exist.  After all you are a very special part of who he is.

Autism:  I feel like we are making a breakthrough here.  Can I get a hug?

John: Let's not get to excited.  I see what you doing to other families.  I see the devastation you are bringing to other children who are far mor severe than our guy.  You are putting your nasty thumb print on an entire generation of children and I get why people hate your stinking guts.  I have just found that hating you does nothing for me...

Autism:  I understand.

John:  By the way the greatest concert I have ever seen was Michael Been and "The Call" at a small little venue in Denver back in 1995.  It was one of those experiences that at the time I knew I was having a "moment".

Autism:  Very cool. 

John:  So you really think I look like Danny Gokey?

Autism:  Uh. Actually no.  I was just saying that.  You look a lot like Danny Devito though.

John: Man, I hate you Autism.

Autism:  I knew it.