What some people don't realize about me is that despite my obvious intellectual shortcomings I am a never ending source of solid advice.  On this beautiful and warm Wyoming March day I would like to offer some of it to a few folks/things that need it:


Pet Owners -  Dogs, birds, cats, fish, pot bellied pigs, hamsters, reptiles, and heck even spiders = good family pet.  Exotic animals like tigers, monkey's, bears, and Gary Busey  that can rip/snap/bite your head off = death wish.  Yes owning a 300 pound animal sounds awesome on paper....but just wait till they go all "Animal Farm" on you. 


NASA - Just an idea here. Quit putting stuff up in space for a little while. You know how a few weeks ago two satellites collided in space and then rained down some fiery rain down on us?  That was crazy huh?  You know how this will the International Space Station was in a bit of trouble because of all of the space debris?  Wow...nuts..right?   It seems like our orbiting storage room is full.  I know how you feel, sometimes I keep packing all sort of crapolla in my glove compartment box till I can't shut it too.  I am sure you can relate to the fact that I don't even know half of the stuff that is crammed in there is.  The problem is, while the consequence for me running out of room is not being able to shut the darn thing; the consequence for you is a flaming piece of space metal embedding itself into my skull.  

I am a little concerned about   The Satellite Situation Report from NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center. Dated September, 1997, the report counts almost 25,000 man-made objects: 8681 currently in orbit, and over 16,000 objects in a state of decay. Not every single satellite is included, since some are too small or too far away from home to be detected. 

Um....THAT WAS BACK IN 1997!!!!!  How many "John Seeking Life Ender's" are floating above me like hungry vultures now?  It seems like maybe we should find somewhere to put all our cool technology.  Like...hmmm...I don't know...like Hospitals maybe????



Folks who develop children's television programming - This is coming from a parent of three young boys...and it is a plea that I hope you listen to. Please please please quit developing shows like "Yo Gabba Gabba", "The Imagination Mover's", "Lazy Town" and the truly evil "Doodlebops".  Each one of these shows is like some horrible device that is shoved into my soul and carves out my hope.  Not only are most of the lead characters disturbing in their own little way...they have songs that implant themselves in my psyche and rot my consciousness into a clear jelly.  You don't believe me???  Fine...

EXHIBIT A
 
Doodlebops.  Evil incarnate.  The Blue one is clearly one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. 


EXHIBIT B

YO GABBA GABBA.  Which I believe comes from an ancient and forgotten language.  It translates to : Zombie Muppets.  Watching this show is known to cause mood swings, a loss in appetite, bloating. periods of unstoppable weeping, and a desire to pour windex into your eye. 

I am working on a plan to go back in time and to stop this trend in Children's Programming where it started....Elmo.



VH1 and MTV - Play some music.  Anything.  Even if it is only once a day.


CNBC - Don't mess with Jon Stewart.  Don't you remember he can end careers?   When was the last time you heard from Tucker Carlson?  Exactly.

Kid Rock-  I cannot figure you out.  I either see you either wearing a coat made out of an animal, or you are shirtless.  Who are you Davey Crockett?  Get a hoodie.  Oh, and please quit singing songs about how awesome you are.  We get it.  Lastly, please don't read this and come and hurt me.  The doctors tell me I am not supposed to be thrashed by an angry rock star as I am allergic to celebrity justice. 

People who snap at their waiter/waitress - There are more of you than I have ever thought there would be.  The are only a few select times where you are allowed to snap at anyone.  These times are:

1) When you are a member of a musical street gang and you are about to have a fight with a rival musical street gang.  In this case you are allowed a few dozen snaps as long as you are crouching and snapping in unison with your fellow tuffs.

2) You are a mob boss.

3) You are doing to try and get someones attention who is about to get hit by a car. 

Those are the only times I can think of when snapping at anyone is allowed.  You certainly should stop doing so to your food server.  You are not Nero and they are not your concubine who is bringing you grapes to place in your mouth.  They are bringing your food so that they can pay off their car not because you own them. 


Jay Cutler and The Denver Bronco's - I can only take so much.  You are doing this break up only to completely crush my fragile spirits.  There is not other explanation.  Stop being so stupid and get over yourselves.  At this rate my beloved team is in shambles and I am nearing my breaking point.  You don't want to know my breaking point either.  It is very disturbing.  The only thing I can tell you is that my breaking point involves me wearing adult diapers, creating my own language, and licking street signs.  Not that any of that would be a change from my usual way of life...


The Leadership of the Republican and Democrat Parties - Spend less time lining up to appear on cable news to bash each other and more time actually working on problems.  I am tired of seeing you show up on Fox, CNN, and MSNBC just to bad mouth people who don't believe in what you do.  I know it is fun to do...I used to do the same thing in HIGH SCHOOL!!  The problem is you are always running for reelection and you need to be on tv to show how great you are and how stupid your opponents are.  You are all just becoming like the folks who used to appear on The Jerry Springer Show.  The only difference is that you show up to your circus in a suit and with talking points.  WIth all respect please just shut up and work.  And if you can't handle both then at least work on the former of the two.

My fridge - Please stop freezing the milk.  This is your last warning.  If I have to eat frozen milk Honey Combs again I will act.  By act I mean I will continue to complain to my wife.

Facebook - Quit trying to be like Twitter.

Twitter - Quit making Facebook try to be like you.

To the people who have recently interviewed me for a job - Don't ask me questions if you don't want the answer.  And yes, for your information it is perfectly acceptable for me to answer a question by changing the lyrics to a Bette Midler song and then sing it to you.  If i was too loud then you were too old.  On an unrelated note:  Please hire me.

Prince - Hello Prince.  I think you are pretty awesome.  I don't like a lot of your popular songs.   I do however love love love a few of your more obscure ones.  Like your beautiful song called "The Cross".  Believe it or not that old tune of yours was one that serves me spiritually.  I just recently rediscovered it and it is perfect for this Lenten season.  Produce more things like this:



By the way nice dud's!