Dear Noah, Labels Suck. Don't become one,
I have started this particular entry around 76 times now. Each time it got more and more long winded. Which I know for me is weird...but for this I wanted to keep it simple.
I wanted to write about how we let other people define us by labeling us with a single word.
We are labeled and put in neat little boxes that are labled with words like: Smart, Crazy, Snob, Religous, Bum, Stupid, Winner, Loser, and so on.
We allow ourselves to be define by these single word explanations of who we are. Then we start to believe that who we are is determined on other people's perception of us.
One of my worst and most horrifying memories is the night I tried stand up comedy a half a lifetime ago. The net result of my attempt caused the same reaction that the music of John Tesh does. It left people rocking back and forth in the fetal position with their ears bleeding. I got myself in that situation because I let people convince me that (even though I knew I was not going to be very good at it) I was "funny" so I must in fact be good at doing stand up. If during my "performance" the crowd would have been given the option of sitting their and listening to me or be eaten my a bear I am convinced that a number of them would have quenched Yogi's desire to try a different kind of picnic.
Labeling people seems to be a really convienent way to place limitations on each of us. We are cast into a role in the eyes of other people and that is who we are. If someone is "smart" then they must be good at math. If someone is a "snob" they must not have any friends. If someone is "funny" after a glass of wine during dinner that must mean they are good at stand up!!! Sigh.
What I am really worried about is "becoming the label on our box". Then once we subscribe to our label then we feel like we "must" become it.
I am not so much worried about me on this front. I am a lost cause.
But for my son I worry. In the near future my wife and I are going to let our eight year old in on the secret that everyone else around him already knows. He has been diagnosed with autism. I realize that there are plenty of people who read this blog who have first hand experience on how to have this conversation with their autistic children. Please send advice our way!
I know that some people are against ever having this conversation with their child in the first place. I understand where you are coming from. We just feel that it is time for him to know what everyone whispers about him when he is around. For me it seems unfair that other people know something that is such an important part of his life. It was not an easy decision for us to make and we are going to handle it with extra care.
What I want to tell him is:
This diagnosis is just a label. It is not who he is. Who he Noah is to become is determined on who HE DECIDEDS TO BE. That just because autism is something he is living with it is not something that will force any "must's" upon him. That just because he is autistic it does not mean that means he must adjust his dreams, hopes, passions.
I know that so many people write him off when they hear his label. I can see it in there faces. I am not being self-righteous here because I am certains that I have done the same to other people when I discover their label. If I was not raising a child with special needs I would probably think the same way....it is just the nature of the business.
I just don't want to let that look come across his face when we start to explain to him the situation he finds himself in. I don't want him to subscribe to that label. I do not want him to think or expect less of himself. We will try to convey to him that we expect no less of him then we do our other boys - we as parents expect him to in the best possible way to "leave his mark" on this world.
Noah will face a lifetime of people who will have zero expectations for him...I just don't want him to join the chorus. Although he is living with autism "he is still here". He is not just a medical diagnosis. He is a boy who loves art, his family, being funny, dancing, being creative, animals, etc. I want Noah to embrace the complicated riddle he is...just like the rest of us do ourselves.
Dear Noah. Yes, you have been given a label. Fight it. Show the world you are still here. Don't be who they think you are.
Bravo John! I am not sure you realize how powerful your words are. You are a great father and are showing me how to be a better mother. Your son is very lucky to have such dedicated parents. I can not begin to understand the difficutly you face daily, and you leave me in awe with each entry you post here. Thank you for letting me read your thoughts and inviting us all into your life.
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I want to second Tara...John your words keep me going every day. Some days are much harder than others. Our kids are so much more than what they are labeled. But, they are also unique because of their label. We are all learning something new every day, and this is why I am in this life.
I believe (and we cannot have this discussion with Leighann, because she is not cognitively able) that Leighann KNOWS she has autism. She just doesn't care what anyone else thinks. (again, cognitive development)
She is my burden and my blessing, my love and my hate, my most important reason for being.
Thank you for sharing, and allowing me to share. You are a great father and an awesome human being.
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