The Time Line Of A Weirdo Part I "1974-1978" The World Welcomes J-Ro
Welcome to the official John Roedel Time Line
*************************************************Note from The Editor******************************************************************
This is part one of the time line of John Kennedy Roedel. This is meant purely for those who have been requesting research for their various publications about the life and times of Mr. Roedel. We feel that this brief year by year benchmark time line will become the one resource for all those who just got to know more about John. As far as we know this is the only such published material on this subject matter and we are proud to provide it for you. Because we feel the more we learn about John and his life the more we can learn about our own very existence. If you find any inaccuracies with anything written please keep it to yourself....we have a very thin skin and do not respond well to criticism.
Enjoy!
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| “The moment you're born you're done for." | |
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Arnold Bennet - Poet.1974 - Born to Andrew & Priscilla Roedel On January 5th in Cheyenne, Wyoming. John was a pre-mature baby which caused him to remain in the hospital for an extra three weeks after coming into the world. Upon arrival to his new home on 7th avenue John immediately wanted to return to the hospital. His reason for wanting to leave was due to his parents light and dark green mix heavy shag carpet. John did not want to take flight because he found the shag carpet tacky, in fact his reason for wanting to leave were quite the opposite. He needed to leave because the carpet was too awesome! Even at just three weeks of age John knew that he could never live up to the beauty of his parents carpet. The bar for greatness was set too high. John realized that compared to the majestic floor fur he could be nothing but a disappointment. It was because of this stupid, awesome, emotionally moving shag green carpet that John's self-esteem issues developed at a remarkably young age.
1975 - The was the year that John became extremely mobile! He was a crawling machine! His parents were as proud as they could be....until they realized that he only crawled on his head. All the other essential crawling mechanics were in place except for the fact that John would add another moving part to the equation. He would slide his tiny head on the floor while he made haste to wherever his 14 month old agenda demanded he go. This would result in a never ending rug burn that was permanently marked across his still developing melon. Some surfaces were kinder to his brow than others.
Linoleum + Baby Head = Fine.
Stupid, awesome, beautiful, emotionally stirring shag green carpet + Baby Head = Unforgiving.
John Roedel's relationship with self-induced brain damage began it's long journey together here.
1976 - At age two John fell in love for the very first time! Her name was Sasha. No she wasn't the local east-european hottie from the club across town....she was his blankie. Sasha was no ordinary blankie however. She was all kinds of special. Sasha was a blankie that was as soft as the shorn bum of a baby unicorn, and it was covered with yellow and white baby duckies who never judged you for spitting things up, having a unwelcome diaper, or for consuming used coffee grounds. If a blanket could be a Australian sunset Sasha would have been it. Not only did dear Sasha become John's first love, but she also became John's first real addiction.
It is true that while their friendship ordinated out of pure baby and blankie innocence it over time changed into something far different. John refused to ever let Sasha go. They spent every nap time, play time, snack time, time out time, story time, drooling time, tantrum time together! John and his sweet yellow ducky-ed Sasha were as inseparable as Cagney and Lacey. In a later interview John was quoted as saying that he was certain that "much like Cagney and Lacey he and Sasha also fought crime and the powers of corruption at some level. You're not taping this are you?"
As time passed John became more and more dependant on Sasha. He could call upon her for advice on women, multiplication tables, and sports betting lines. John's mother recognized that this was a very unhealthy union and later held an intervention that focused on splitting the two up for good. When she finally took Sasha from him he was very bitter, and to this day still remains so about the subject. He felt the timing for his mother taking Sasha from him was "unfortunate" because he was already nervous enough about going off to college and now he has to do it without his now black and moldy best friend.
1977 - John joined the Sesame Street viewer ship. He did not watch this popular children's programming because of the pseudo pre-school education it self righteously schlepped out. He watched the double S because of his obsession with The Cookie Monster. John loved that someone could spend their life so dedicated to just one ambition. He admired the Cookie Monster because of his drive, single mindedness, and attention to his own calling. John would later use the model provided to him by this diabetic muppet to justify his long love affair with Coca-Cola.
John was not a lover of all things that happened on Sesame Street. When pressed on the subject during intense hypno-therapy he was "freaked out to the max" by the activities that took place in and around Big Bird's nest. While he admitted to not really liking the feathered mutant his major issue with "Bird" was centered around his friend that nobody else could see. John both feared and hated "Mr. Snuffleupagus" the same way Christian Bale does You Tube.
Every time "Snuffy" would show up John remembers having to close his eyes and pretend it was not happening. He rejected anything that happened within that particular sub plot. Even now he questions why this mammoth was invisible to everyone else but Big Bird. John theorizes that happens because of either:
A) Big Bird is crazy. Like John Lithgow crazy in the movie "Raising Cain". If Mr. Hooper ever were to have turned up dismembered John would have known right away that "Snuffy" took over Big Bird and committed the crime.
B ) Big Bird was messing around with psychotropics. Kind of like John Denver in "Oh God". Wait...no that is different. Never mind.
C) Snuffy was in fact real. Which meant that he had the ability to bend light and obscure himself from the eyes of other people. This for John is the most troubling prospect. Because that means this underworld dwelling beast could at any appoint just appear to him. John said that at age three if "Snuffy would have shown up in my bed room to talk to me about his apparent depression, I can promise you that I would have tested the capacity limit to the particular size of Pampers I would have been wearing at the time".
Um John, that is nasty.
John added " Even now I am still turned off by the whole Snuffalupagus situation. It would only take on one such visit by him for me to forgo my principles and become an active member of the NRA. Because if that trunked menace ever returned a second time my family would be eating Snuffy Pot Pie for a month and wearing brown furry underwear."
1978- This was the year John drove his first car. It was no big thing for him! He just slipped behind the wheel of his parents running car. His mom had just ran back in the house to grab something and left John to his own devices. As John's wee digits gripped the wheel of his folks sweet "Eight Is Enough" steering wheel he could feel a primal power rise up in him. John thought to "drive a car meant that he was to become a man....because only a real man could control such a metal monster like this!"
John stretched his whole body so he could press his foot down on the gas pedal below. The engine hummed like a thousand stallions who were ready to run free on the beach, and the sound pleased his four year old soul. Yet despite the roaring of the engine the car did not move. Then our hero remembered the level that was attached to the steering wheel his white knuckled hand still clung to. With his foot still on acceleration pay dirt he slowly slid his hand to the level and slowly pulled it down like his mom does when she activates the metal monster.
With one simple and quiet little "click" from the level as it moved the journey began.
Most people remember their first time operating a motor vehicle. People often remark that driving a car for the first time is like being overwhelmed by a sense of true freedom. They feel the road move submissively under them, they feel the wind pass over them, and they experience the sound of motor vibrate throughout their bones. John's first drive was a bit different. His drive was marked with the sound of screaming, the feeling of a bumper meeting a garage door, and the look of a crazy person from his mother who immediately sprinted out of the house to find out "John! What in the #%$#$#, #!$^*, are you %#!!?-%$##*> doing!! Wait until your &*#!$ father gets $%^&! home!"
Although John had only driven about ten feet he could not figure out what the big fuss was about. Driving, by appearances was for chumps. He would not sit behind the wheel of a car again until well after his 17th birthday. John still hates to drive.
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