It goes without saying that perhaps there are times here at Bloggyville I over share a bit.  Like the time a couple years ago where I wrote about how I, by all appearances, hit on Cheyenne's former mayor Leo Pando.  Or the blog entry I posted about my experience of unknowingly swimming the backstroke naked during a swim meet when I was nine.  I have also disclosed hundreds of other instances where I have failed to act like a grown-up or productive member of society.

If because of these postings you have:

A) Lost all respect for me.
B Feel bad for my wife and children.
C) Been tempted to kidnap me and then drop me off in the wild to see if nature is really out to kill me. (which I believe and often write about)
D) Felt better about your own way of life now that you see how I live.
E) Have become very uncomfortable when seeing me in person because you know way too much about me.

My reply to you is:

A) I am happy to think about you ever having any respect for me to begin with.  Sucker.
B So does my wife's family and Child Protective Service.
C) I can assure you that I would be dead within minutes.  I don't know what would kill me first...either Malaria or The Blair Witch.
D) I am glad I could help.  Now send money.
E) Don't worry I would have found another way to make our encounter uncomfortable even if you had never read my blog.  Like calling you by the wrong name, or the awkward pause in the conversation as I stare blankly at you while trying to think of something funny to say.

The thing that concerns me is that by posting my closets many skeletons here in the open I am virtually defining and typecasting myself.  It seems like the only thing I ever do is focus on my weaknesses.  So today I will be spending some time in rebuilding the perception of who I am.  This will be the most positive Roedel blog of all time.  It is time that I become a better advocate for the precious little flower I am.

    THE ULTIMATE LIST OF THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MAKES JOHN ROEDEL SO DANG AWESOME!!!


Did you know....

- That once I wrestled and defeated a deer that had assaulted me inside my parents business.  Granted the deer and I both soiled ourselves at exactly the same moment while doing battle with one another. I am willing to subscribe to the idea that because of our lack of bladder control there were in fact no winners. Still, that was one of my wins over nature.  Take that animal kingdom!!!


                                        
            EVIL HELL BORN DEER                         VS.                                              LITTLE ROEDEL CHILD


J-O-H-N! THAT IS HOW WE SPELL FANTASTIC HUMAN BEING WHO SMELLS OF SUNSHINE KISSES!

- In college inter mural football game I took a screen pass 50 yards for a touchdown!  During my scamper to the end zone I sprinted, spun, and danced, around all defenders.  This remains my finest athletic moment of all time. I would have loved to have followed that TD up with others but after that play I was out for the whole game with a severe case of trash talking..  We ended up losing 49-7.  I never played again due to fatness.

IF JOHN WERE ANY MORE FABULOUS IT WOULD CAUSE WHALES TO BEACH THEMSELVES IN A FIT OF JEALOUSY!!

- As a child I fell out of a moving car three different times.  Two of those cases required me to get stitches in my head.  That however was not the only time my forehead had to get laced up.  I once stood too close to a guy who was golfing.  Nothing says "Keep the hell away from kid" like a two-wood to the skull.  While I am certain I suffered some slight brain damage from each of my head traumas, it was not enough however, (despite my begging)  from having to take algebra in High School. While on the subject I would like to apologize to anyone who had to take math classes with me.  I made everyone around me a bit dumber.  The only equation I ever solved was Math+JR+Multiple D-s' is equal to a not so good High School transcript.                                                        
                                                                  



- As a youth minister for four years I only had two young people tell me that they "hated me".  I also only received two letters demanding that I be thrown out of the church.  Everyone (including myself) was expecting a death threat a week, so this was a example where I only angered people enough to remain passive aggressive.  Oh, I forgot to mention the time someone put Anthrax on my French Toast.  Since then I have forgiven my mother.


GO JOHN!!!!

-While working for a brief time recently for the Federal Government I fielded a call from a  gentleman who was concerned over the growing UFO problem that was occurring over his farm.  Apparently his livestock had been infected with an alien virus.  He and I both agreed that this was the first step in an impending otherworldly invasion.  I advised him to call the local authorities.  Which he did.  The Laramie County Sheriff Department was not a big fan of me after that.  Hey people the truth is out there!!  At least that is what Fox Mulder tells me every night while on syndication on the Sci-Fi network.

 


JOHN IS THE BEST BEST BEST!!!

- I recently received a glowing recommendation from a literary agency who I was trying to get interested in me.  They said and I quote "John, I wish your talent was matched by my inability to take a hint that we are not interested."  Sweet!!!  Thats good right?


2009 IS THE YEAR OF THE ROEDEL!!!

- I have a sixth sense of some form.  I believe that the radio is talking to me.  I can ask a certain station a question about anything and I receive a musical answer in the very next song that is played!  For example did you know that the recession we are suffering through can be stopped by simply becoming "Hot For Teacher"?  Or the time I asked the radio ghost how I can live past 90 years old and they told me I could as long as I try "Living La Vida Loca".  I am currently under psychiatric review by professionals.


NOBODY CAN BELIEVE HOW SPECIAL JOHN IS!  HE IS THE SPECIAL SAUCE ON THE BURGER PATTY OF LIFE!!!!

- How cool is this?  I once ate an entire tumbleweed.  I can assure you I did so for a very good reason.  I was dared.  Plus I was under the care of a doctor while doing so.  The guy's name was "Doctor" and while he wasn't a medical doctor he could play the bongo drums really well.

 "Tumbleweed.  The new chicken."   -Sanjay Gupta 2006
 

-People often compare me to Shia Labeouf.  By "people" I mean my children.  By "Shia Labeouf"  I mean The Hamburgalar.

Robble Robble Robble!  (translated to mean "Robble Robble Robble")

STAND FOUR FEET BACK JOHN IS SO AMAZING HE IS RADIOACTIVE!!

- I am a master of technology.  It started at an early age.  I remember in the mid 80's my dad had just purchased a brand new stereo system that included a record player and a dual tape deck. It was incredible and he loved it like he had carried it in his womb for nine months.  One day the tape deck was squeaking badly while I was making a mix tape for my Snoopy Doll.  In my techno-savey mind I assumed that the stereo was a little dry and needed to have its wheels greased.  So I poured a very small amount of water down into the system.  The next day there were brochures of boarding schools on the kitchen counter.

-I recently had a job interview on the phone that ended with the person telling me "Huh.  Never had one of these interviews go like that".  That means he will remember me!!  That is great!!  I am still waiting to hear back from her.  It has been five months....but sometimes these things take time.  Right?

- I have the gift if eating crab legs to the point of physical discomfort on my part, as well as to the point of emotional discomfort to people who have the chance to dine with me. 

YOU CAN'T TOUCH JOHN'S INCREDIBLE POOL OF GIFTEDNESS!!!  (well you can.  but there is a $3 sur-charge)

-I have been told that I have the supernatural ability make dead people roll over in their graves.  Look out X-Men, John is in The Hizzy!

- I was a singer in an acoustic rock band in college.  I was the closest thing to Bono than anyone under 5'4 has ever been.  In fact we once had a world tour that helped solidify our awesomeness.  The tour only had one stop in Billings, Montana and our audience was an auditorium filled with Lyons Club members. They were so impressed that at the end of concert they were too intimidated to clap.  They just all filed out of their seats in utter silence.  That is a mark of a kick-butt performance!!


Another audience enraptured in what John is doiing.


JOHN IS THE WIND BENEATH EVERYONES WINGS!!!

I could keep going keep going but I believe I have affirmed myself enough for one day.  I don't want to be accused of being super-arrogant.  However, as you can see I do have positive things to tell you about myself that may change your perception of who I am.  I am not always a screw up! 

Remind me to tell you next time you have the fortune of seeing me in person the other reasons why I am cooler then the lovechild of The Fonz and Jim Henson.  Or how I keep taking the wrong drink at Starbucks and thereby causing mass panic among the over-caffienated employees!

IT'S HIP, HIP, HIP TO BE JOHN. 

Yes it is Mr. Lewis.  Yes it is....