I would like to dedicate my next number to the Christmas Tree I bought.  Hey Tree, how are you doing tonite?  How is your one job going?  You know...the only job you have of bringing some joy into our house...

Well this one is for you....





O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
Why cannot I make you stand straight?

O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
Your green mocking branches I hate!
Gonna chop you up into small parts.
If you were a mammal I'd eat your heart.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
I want a refund but I'm too late.

O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
Your tears of sap still stain me.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
You stink, and now my wife blames me.
You were overpriced at 30 bucks.
It was too dark to noticed you sucked.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
I have a pine needle stuck in my ear drum.

O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
At first I thought I could fix you.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
Then I realized it was the devil that sent you.
But that was after several hours.
And my violent rage that caused my kids to cower.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
I do not like anything about you.

O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
You lay in a heap on my floor.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
You ruined this season forever more.
I think even Smokey The Bear would burn you up.
And bury your ashes in a small tin cup.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
I hope Pine Beetles eat you alive!

O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
My war with you raged on all night.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
I just wanted to put on a stupid string of lights.
I know now what I must do.
I going to say Goodbye to you.
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
I will replace you with a small plant, that does not lean ALL THE WAY TO THE LEFT REGARDLESS OF WHATEVER I DO TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING.  YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PINEY DEMON OF TWISTED BARK!!!  YOU SAP FILLED YULETIDE RUINING PRESIDENT OF THE FUTURE BONFIRE CLUB OF AMERICA ARE THE WORST EXCUSE FOR A TREE EVER.  HOW DARE YOU EVEN CALL YOURSELF A TREE!  YOU ARE MORE LIKE A WEAPON OF HATE.  YOU COULDN'T JUST SIT IN THE BASE COULD YOU....OH NO.  YOU HAD TO DEFY ALL PHYSICS AND MAGICALLY TILT WHEN THERE IS NO REASON TO BE LEANING TO ONE SIDE.  IF TREE'S HAD A Judicial SYSTEM I WOULD HAVE YOU ARRESTED AND SENT TO THE NEAREST BEAVER POND. 
O Christmas Tree!
O Christmas Tree!
Next year I will just buy a fake one.