On Geese, Autism, and Acceptance
I spent sometime today watching Geese. I sat on a park bench and just watched them be geese. Here are my observations:
1) Geese probably poop more than any animal, bird, fish, Yeti, or daily laxative guy that I used to share a dorm bathroom with that has ever graced the planet.
2) They don’t like it when little kids try to ride them.
3) Geese can stretch their necks around in a way that remind me of Linda Blair.
4) They are not concerned with being anything but Geese. Does that make sense? What I mean to say is that Geese don’t spend most of their day trying to be a turtle. They are just happy to be who they are. Geese just do what comes natural to them. They don’t over think their existence, they just live like Geese. They don’t spend their lives worry about how other people perceive them, or try to remain interesting by getting a tattoo, or stay up late at night stressing that they have lived a good chunk of their life already. They just simply live each moment in the way they were intended to be.
For just today I wish I was a goose. Not because I am worried about my daily fiber levels but because I want to stop pretending being something I am not. I want to naturally be John without worry about what other people think about that. I want to not constantly worry about not “improving” myself. Or the amount of time I spent concerned about how death is a breath closer with each passing moment. I want to stop worrying about finding out what I am supposed to do with my life. I want to again be a subscriber to the notion that I am not supposed to be/do anything except be who I am.
Honk!
Maybe my goose has always been cooking in me and I never knew it. I think I must have been denying my psychological feathers for years now…
I am not sure if you can relate to this next little tidbit of my loosely crafted psyche but I have always struggled with ambition. Through the first 2/3 of my life I never really wanted to be rich, famous, or successful in really anyway. I wanted to be happy, and to have experiences. I did not concern myself with grades, job status, popularity, or if I drove a fancy car. I wanted to be surrounded by family, friends, and daily moments of happiness. That was until I crawled into my mid twenties, and I started to get worry wrinkles. I started comparing myself to other people and decided that because they had more toys, economic freedom, or sophisticated tastes that I was doing something wrong. I stopped just being able to accept who I was, and kept striving to become somebody else.
Who was this chap that I was striving to be? Beats me. I am sure he is awesome, probably a guy who had a wine collection, a big-time job that everyone would be impressed with, and a wallet filled with business cards of the various professional and personal contacts he had. To be honest I probably would not have like this guy very much had I actually turned out to be him. Not that I have any problems with people who have those things in their lives, in fact the world needs them. For me I was just a plain ole’ goose trying to act like a flamingo.
This conflict between what I thought I wanted to be, and the man I actually was has raged on for years. It has only become more brutal once I entered the vocational free agent market. My 5’2 ego actually for a moment considered that my lack of employment anymore was perfect as I could spend my free time molding myself into the alpha male. I have read books on marketing, start-up businesses, management, self-help, and the like trying to fit this circular information into my square-blocked head. I have taken on jobs that do not fit my personality or uniquely limited skill set.
These Geese today reminded me that is not who I am. I am trying to hard to be something I am not meant to be. I need to let go the yolk and stop trying to be anything…and just be Johnny.
What does my moment of Goose Zen have to do with autism?
Quite a bit actually.
I waste life worrying about trying to “help” my son to become what is considered typical. We spend every kind of resource available on supplements, therapies, or behavioral interventions in the hopes that we can better our little guy. I am not saying that those aren’t things I regret, because I do not. I will spend the entirety of my life trying to navigate Noah through the maze he finds himself in, but I need to do so with a different attitude.
While I want to hold his hand as he climbs over the thousands of obstacles he faces daily, I refuse to try and change the person he already is. While I want him to find ways to control some of his behaviors, I will ever do so by sacrificing who he is…who he is meant to be.
He is meant to be a boy with autism. That is who he is regardless of whatever story I tell myself. I am not surrendering to autism, but it is time that I accept the facts. No matter what we new approaches we try he will always have the “A” word attached to him in some degree. There will be no changing that, and damnit that is ok!!
Noah is more authentic than any adult I know. He lives in each and every moment without thinking more than five minutes in the future. He does not spend time worrying about things outside his control, and he is not concerned about trying to be anything other than the miracle he is! He allows himself to feel his emotions with no filter. If he is happy he does not sabotage it with thoughts of how fleeting the moment is. If he is sad then he accepts his tears for what they are…there is no hiding who he is.
Like the floating Goose, Noah only wants to be himself. He wants to make art, to sing, and to make new friends. Everything else is just noise in his life. He is floating on his pond purely content where he is….and I am going to join him.
Honk!
Being at peace with my son’s autism is not an easy task. It will require me to stop worrying and just trust that there is a plan outside of my control. We live in a world were we need to cure everything…I get it. For me there is no curing autism in our families life. There is struggle, joy, and now thankfully acceptance.
Like the Goose I will just be myself, while accepting my guy for who he is.
I hope that none of us spend another moment wishing to be someone we aren’t.
Spend a quick moment in quiet today and offer a prayer for those who are lost…and if that happens to be you I suggest you go watch Geese.
Honk!
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