I have been rightly accused of watching too much television.  I am in fact a drooling zombie who bows to the tubes glowing altar.  I watch a bunch of stuff that is no good for me.  From reality shows to bad horror movies my brain rots a little more each time I grab my remote.  To my defense, I would say that I do in fact  (from time to time) watch some programming that does hopefully enlighten the hat rack on my head.  I am a political junkie so I watch the 24 cable news outlets a bunch.  I am partial to Hardball and Contain with Keith O on MSNBC.   Just this evening I watched 60 minutes on CBS.  I had not planned on watching, but I saw the lineup for the interviews that were going to be on and I was immediately captivated. What I saw scared me more than waking up next to ALF next to me in bed...

It was 60 minutes of consistent spine chilling moments.  The three feature stories each focused on interviewing one particular man.  Each of these men had a wildly different story to tell.  Each of these men could not come from more different slices of life.  Despite the differences in each of these men, when their stories are told back-to-back-to-back they start sounding disturbingly familiar.  At the end of 60 minutes I was wished aloud that perhaps I would have been better off drinking a cocktail laced with Mr. Clean.  These three men left me feeling empty.  Let me introduce them to you:


President Musharraf

The first interview was with the president of Pakistan. As hopefully everyone in the free world knows the events in Pakistan during the last month have been troubling.  From terrorists running around freely like bunnies in a garden,the horrifying assassination of Musharraf's chief rival, human rights violations, and the fear that their nuclear technology is far from secure the west has had some serious questions for the Pakistani leader.  He came off sounding defensive.  He looked so uncomfortable during the two segment interview that I thought he might need a hug from his 5'3 brother from another mother.  He looked like a teenage who was called into the principals office.  My desire to hug this man ended right after he put the blame for Bhutto's assassination on HER!!!!  The woman interviewing him tried to help him by giving him ways to backtrack on that statement. Musharraf would not back down.  He said that she should not have stood up in her motorcade, and that sole blame lands on her shoulders!!

What an idiotic thing to say.  Yes lets not blame the killer who actually did the deed.  Lets not blame the men behind the killer who funded and trained him.  Lets not blame the Pakistani army who had not been providing the security that Bhutto had been requesting for months.   Hey Prez Musharraf, did you know that she was murdered in the most secure part of your country??  The rally that she was at was in the heart of your army's most controlled section! Yes don't blame yourself who did not work to ensure her safety after she was nearly killed in October after a suicide bomber went after her..and event that killed 140 of your people! So it makes complete sense to blame the victim who was merely waving to the thousands of people who had risked everything to come and hear her speak.  You sir, are a tool.  You need a new press secretary.  I am looking for a job by the way.  Oh, I loved the way Musharraf refused to admit that you have been less than an ally on trying to curb the terrorists that pour out of his country.  He could not answer any of those questions without looking like he wanted to swallow his tongue and take his afterlife chances. 

Blaming Bhutto for her own murder....sheesh...still can't get over that.

When he was done I was feeling a little less safe.  Than came the next guy who made me feel a lot less safe...


John Martorano

Um.....I say this with as much love as I can...this chap is psycho with extra nut-job juice.  This future neighbor of mine was a former hit man for the mob.  John has whacked 20 people in his vocation of being the angel of death.  In the nineties he made a deal with the feds (after being ratted out by a former boss) to be a witness for the state so he only served about ten years in jail.  He just got out of the clink last year and was now free to talk about what it was like to turn out the lights on people.  Martorano coldly talked about how it felt to kill people, on how he did it, and how he justified it to himself.  He spoke with no emotion, and though he said he had regrets over how he spent his life he seemed as believable as me changing a flat tire.  He called himself a conflict resolver.....yikes.  Usually people resolve conflicts with lawyers and power lunches, not by shooting someone in the back of the head and burying them in a cellar.  What was particullary yucky about this story was the gentlemen who was interviewing him get really excited when Martorano was showing him around a room in a warehouse where he used to shoot people. 

The last part of the interview focused on how he was adjusting to life on the outside.  He spoke about how he has already been absolved for his sins and he was ready to live a different life.  There was a nice video of him sitting with friends and family over dinner laughing and having a great time.  I am not too sure I would want to break bread with a admitted serial killer.  If I had to I would make sure to say "Please don't shoot me in the face" every few minutes.  The piece ended with the creepy interviewer with this exchange:

Interviewer:  Do you think you could ever kill again?

Killer Killerson: (PAUSE) Uh, proll'y not.

Interviewer:  Well what if it was the guy who ratted you out.

Killer Killerson: (With a faint smile and a moment of thought) Well, there is a bounty on his head.  So.......



Yikes.

So after these two stories I was feeling somewhat hopeless about the world.  So I was excited to see that the final interview to be with one of the great sport icons of my generation....this would be the saddest of them all.

ROGER CLEMENS

I want to like him.  He is..or maybe was going to be a future hall of famer.  He is considered to be one of the best hurlers of all time.   

So we all know that he listed in the Mitchell report as a person who took steroids and Human Growth Hormones to keep his career going.   The evidence against him is pretty stiff.  The guy who was helping him take the juice was forced by the FBI to testify truthfully, and many of the guys who were also listed in the Mitchell report have admitted to taking performance enhancing supplements.  Clemens had to have a great interview because he had gone into hiding since the allegations came out.  According to his publicist he was going to provide hard evidence to counter the claims that he juiced.  His evidence turned out to be him repeating "I did not do it" over and over. 

Clemens was at time as evasive as Musarraf, and at other times as cold as Matorano.  He blamed the public for not believing him.  He refused to say that anyone taking steroids should be punished by baseball. 

From my point of view it went very badly for him.  Roger looked, and acted like a guilty man.  If he would just come out and admit that he took it a few times (like has been alleged) than most of baseball nation would forgive him.  All the other players who did so have been pardoned....he would still make the hall of fame even if he did do it.  Now, he has to testify in front of congress....they have more evidence against him.

Instead of being remembered as a baseball great he will be remembered of the guy who refused to say "I am sorry".

Just like the other two chumps.

Note to self:   If I ever do something horrible and I am on 60 Minutes I will apologize.



Now, I got to get back to watching the new American Gladiators.